Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Thoughts

Had a moment of almost.... bile? It is crazy how close we are to the possibility of success yet the devil seems to seep its way into my unaccompanied thoughts! Facebook is not good for the wandering mind I have decided. Any sort of stalking and my mind goes places it should not. As in, why is everyone in this picture pregnant? How weird. Everyone. Even though we are SO close to our IVF that horrible thought still seemed to scream at me as I stared at each picture. So, I closed Facebook and decided to journal instead.

I actually have been doing quite well when it comes to close friends announcements and pictures. For the most part. Prayer helps a lot as well. I also have been doing quite a bit better than I have in the past year. I think the reaction that I had today was due to a co-worker (*exciting update there as well!) asked me what our plans were if this cycle failed. I don't really know is the answer I gave her.

Since we live our lives according to Air Force law we have to allow the fact that there will be another deployment soon. Not too soon, thankfully, but in a new "regular" slot. So, if this cycle does in fact fail, we do not really know what the concrete plans are for moving forward. Nick likes to think positive (as do I, of course) that it will work and so we do not have to have a plan B. However, even though I remain positive, and ECSTATIC, ridiculously happy even at times at the idea that this WILL work come this fall, even to the extent of planning for our multiples (forty percent chance at twins!) I also am a realist. I realize that this is our last chance at having a child that is genetically ours. I realize that the next step would be to adopt. I also realize that Nick will likely deploy again before we have a chance to do another IVF cycle with the military.

This leaves us with a few options if the cycle fails. Well a ton of options actually.

A.) Since Nick would deploy again before we could do another military cycle (Being that they only do four cycles a year and we would miss two of them during his deployment) We could take out our first loan ( *insert HUGE gulp here, maybe a few drops of sweat on the brow line of freaking out over taking out a loan for fertility issues...) and do a cycle at double the cost here in Arkansas before he leaves.

B.) We could start the long process of adoption and wait until Nick gets back for the October 2012 military cycle. Yes that is the next one that we would be able to make with his deployments. Nick, however does not want to put money into more than one thing at once where as my brain just says....baby, baby, baby, baby, child, child child. However the more rational side, albeit much smaller side, of my brain also realizes that this is smart. Found out a month ago it is $1200 just for the home study! Crazy! It wouldn't be financially smart to be paying all of the out of pocket expenses for adoption and then also try again for IVF while in the middle of an adoption year...would it? I suppose this isn't totally off the table, more discussion could come if we, say, meet a beautiful, young and intelligent teenager who is willing to give us her unborn child? It could happen!

C.) The one that plays on my mind most frequently as I approach the ripe old year of 29. One year away from 30.... And alas my heart feels a lot less traveled than it yearns to be. Austria has sung to my soul since I was about 7 years old and Italy, Greece and France have all been calling to me for over a decade at least. Growing up in a nomadic military family I grew to appreciate culture and travel but not as much as when I met my husband and longed to see places I had never seen with a bottle of local wine, a picnic basket of french cuisine and field of tulips. Dancing under the Eiffel tower listening to Edith Piaf and laying on the beaches of Semolina with a fresh fish taco and Grecian cats beckoning at my feet. Can you tell how much I day dream? :)

So plan C is to take a year off (Gasp!) and spend the money we would have spend on a regular military cycle and take six long glorious weeks in Europe. This can be done. I have spent countless hours researching. Obviously this delays any help we would have in trying to have a child, unless of course, we are blessed with a miracle. It does, however give a TON to look forward to if the cycle does not take.

In the spirit of positive thinking I am going to quit using the term fail and instead substitute it with not taking. I think I like that better! I feel like its better to have a plan in place if the cycle doesn't take take so that I don't feel like there is a pit of despair to sink into. Instead of thinking, "That was heartbreaking! What do we do now???" It would be a lot more comforting to think, "O.k. That was hard but now here is what we are going to do next."

Lots of things to think about.

No comments:

Post a Comment