Oops! Forgot to mention that all the prayers that the new job would be accepting of me having to take two to three weeks off this fall for the IVF have turned out! Not to disclose too much but more than one girl there has had problems either conceiving or with Endometriosis! What a small world it is.
When I asked my boss if she thought it was ok that I needed that much time off so soon she replied with,
"Sweetie, that is life! It happens whether you plan for it or not. You having a child is very important to you, don't worry about having to lose your job!"
Basically it was a non issue.
So, YAY!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thoughts
Had a moment of almost.... bile? It is crazy how close we are to the possibility of success yet the devil seems to seep its way into my unaccompanied thoughts! Facebook is not good for the wandering mind I have decided. Any sort of stalking and my mind goes places it should not. As in, why is everyone in this picture pregnant? How weird. Everyone. Even though we are SO close to our IVF that horrible thought still seemed to scream at me as I stared at each picture. So, I closed Facebook and decided to journal instead.
I actually have been doing quite well when it comes to close friends announcements and pictures. For the most part. Prayer helps a lot as well. I also have been doing quite a bit better than I have in the past year. I think the reaction that I had today was due to a co-worker (*exciting update there as well!) asked me what our plans were if this cycle failed. I don't really know is the answer I gave her.
Since we live our lives according to Air Force law we have to allow the fact that there will be another deployment soon. Not too soon, thankfully, but in a new "regular" slot. So, if this cycle does in fact fail, we do not really know what the concrete plans are for moving forward. Nick likes to think positive (as do I, of course) that it will work and so we do not have to have a plan B. However, even though I remain positive, and ECSTATIC, ridiculously happy even at times at the idea that this WILL work come this fall, even to the extent of planning for our multiples (forty percent chance at twins!) I also am a realist. I realize that this is our last chance at having a child that is genetically ours. I realize that the next step would be to adopt. I also realize that Nick will likely deploy again before we have a chance to do another IVF cycle with the military.
This leaves us with a few options if the cycle fails. Well a ton of options actually.
A.) Since Nick would deploy again before we could do another military cycle (Being that they only do four cycles a year and we would miss two of them during his deployment) We could take out our first loan ( *insert HUGE gulp here, maybe a few drops of sweat on the brow line of freaking out over taking out a loan for fertility issues...) and do a cycle at double the cost here in Arkansas before he leaves.
B.) We could start the long process of adoption and wait until Nick gets back for the October 2012 military cycle. Yes that is the next one that we would be able to make with his deployments. Nick, however does not want to put money into more than one thing at once where as my brain just says....baby, baby, baby, baby, child, child child. However the more rational side, albeit much smaller side, of my brain also realizes that this is smart. Found out a month ago it is $1200 just for the home study! Crazy! It wouldn't be financially smart to be paying all of the out of pocket expenses for adoption and then also try again for IVF while in the middle of an adoption year...would it? I suppose this isn't totally off the table, more discussion could come if we, say, meet a beautiful, young and intelligent teenager who is willing to give us her unborn child? It could happen!
C.) The one that plays on my mind most frequently as I approach the ripe old year of 29. One year away from 30.... And alas my heart feels a lot less traveled than it yearns to be. Austria has sung to my soul since I was about 7 years old and Italy, Greece and France have all been calling to me for over a decade at least. Growing up in a nomadic military family I grew to appreciate culture and travel but not as much as when I met my husband and longed to see places I had never seen with a bottle of local wine, a picnic basket of french cuisine and field of tulips. Dancing under the Eiffel tower listening to Edith Piaf and laying on the beaches of Semolina with a fresh fish taco and Grecian cats beckoning at my feet. Can you tell how much I day dream? :)
So plan C is to take a year off (Gasp!) and spend the money we would have spend on a regular military cycle and take six long glorious weeks in Europe. This can be done. I have spent countless hours researching. Obviously this delays any help we would have in trying to have a child, unless of course, we are blessed with a miracle. It does, however give a TON to look forward to if the cycle does not take.
In the spirit of positive thinking I am going to quit using the term fail and instead substitute it with not taking. I think I like that better! I feel like its better to have a plan in place if the cycle doesn't take take so that I don't feel like there is a pit of despair to sink into. Instead of thinking, "That was heartbreaking! What do we do now???" It would be a lot more comforting to think, "O.k. That was hard but now here is what we are going to do next."
Lots of things to think about.
I actually have been doing quite well when it comes to close friends announcements and pictures. For the most part. Prayer helps a lot as well. I also have been doing quite a bit better than I have in the past year. I think the reaction that I had today was due to a co-worker (*exciting update there as well!) asked me what our plans were if this cycle failed. I don't really know is the answer I gave her.
Since we live our lives according to Air Force law we have to allow the fact that there will be another deployment soon. Not too soon, thankfully, but in a new "regular" slot. So, if this cycle does in fact fail, we do not really know what the concrete plans are for moving forward. Nick likes to think positive (as do I, of course) that it will work and so we do not have to have a plan B. However, even though I remain positive, and ECSTATIC, ridiculously happy even at times at the idea that this WILL work come this fall, even to the extent of planning for our multiples (forty percent chance at twins!) I also am a realist. I realize that this is our last chance at having a child that is genetically ours. I realize that the next step would be to adopt. I also realize that Nick will likely deploy again before we have a chance to do another IVF cycle with the military.
This leaves us with a few options if the cycle fails. Well a ton of options actually.
A.) Since Nick would deploy again before we could do another military cycle (Being that they only do four cycles a year and we would miss two of them during his deployment) We could take out our first loan ( *insert HUGE gulp here, maybe a few drops of sweat on the brow line of freaking out over taking out a loan for fertility issues...) and do a cycle at double the cost here in Arkansas before he leaves.
B.) We could start the long process of adoption and wait until Nick gets back for the October 2012 military cycle. Yes that is the next one that we would be able to make with his deployments. Nick, however does not want to put money into more than one thing at once where as my brain just says....baby, baby, baby, baby, child, child child. However the more rational side, albeit much smaller side, of my brain also realizes that this is smart. Found out a month ago it is $1200 just for the home study! Crazy! It wouldn't be financially smart to be paying all of the out of pocket expenses for adoption and then also try again for IVF while in the middle of an adoption year...would it? I suppose this isn't totally off the table, more discussion could come if we, say, meet a beautiful, young and intelligent teenager who is willing to give us her unborn child? It could happen!
C.) The one that plays on my mind most frequently as I approach the ripe old year of 29. One year away from 30.... And alas my heart feels a lot less traveled than it yearns to be. Austria has sung to my soul since I was about 7 years old and Italy, Greece and France have all been calling to me for over a decade at least. Growing up in a nomadic military family I grew to appreciate culture and travel but not as much as when I met my husband and longed to see places I had never seen with a bottle of local wine, a picnic basket of french cuisine and field of tulips. Dancing under the Eiffel tower listening to Edith Piaf and laying on the beaches of Semolina with a fresh fish taco and Grecian cats beckoning at my feet. Can you tell how much I day dream? :)
So plan C is to take a year off (Gasp!) and spend the money we would have spend on a regular military cycle and take six long glorious weeks in Europe. This can be done. I have spent countless hours researching. Obviously this delays any help we would have in trying to have a child, unless of course, we are blessed with a miracle. It does, however give a TON to look forward to if the cycle does not take.
In the spirit of positive thinking I am going to quit using the term fail and instead substitute it with not taking. I think I like that better! I feel like its better to have a plan in place if the cycle doesn't take take so that I don't feel like there is a pit of despair to sink into. Instead of thinking, "That was heartbreaking! What do we do now???" It would be a lot more comforting to think, "O.k. That was hard but now here is what we are going to do next."
Lots of things to think about.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Third Times The Charm
Hello All,
This particular blog will not be as sharp and witty as the other ones for the simple reason that I am on tylox! I had my third Laparoscopy yesterday! Its an easy out patient surgery is usually easy to recover from. This one, however was a tad harder. I am still pretty sore and majorly loopy. (Don't worry, no attempting to eat dinner with the serving utensils again! That was the first surgery....)
Nick is currently in ALS and could not miss any class time since this is very important to his grade in the class, his new rank as well as the extra money he will get paid when he graduates! I'm pretty pysched about it, but of course it always makes me very proud to see him waltz across any stage in his handsome dress blues. Needless to say that my friend Jessica had to take me and it was nice relaxing at her house with all the babies (really little girls) that made me get well cards and having Jess take care of me after surgeries was the next best thing since Nick couldn't be there. Ahh the sacrifices that we military wives make! Luckily Nick was able to get home early and take care of me.
I had not had any surgeries in my life until we moved to Arkansas....weird?! But since then I have had four surgeries. Once for my adenoids, once for tonsillectomy.and two laperoscopic surgeries this will make for the fifth surgery! Not so horrible the worst pain I've had out of those surgeries was without exception was the tonsil removal. I did, however lose 12 pounds aside from the pain that was great! ;)
This surgery, recovery is finding to be a little more difficult than the other two laperoscopys in the past because of what they found when they went in. It turned out that I had a couple of scar tissues from the endometriosis on my uterus, some on my BLADDER, freaky to me since I have never had any scar tissues on any other place besides my uterus. Also they found scar tissues on the right ovary and the left ovary was actually fused to my uterine wall from the endo. Which is scary because at one point, my doctor in texas told me there was no need for me to have this surgery if all I was doing it for was to increase my chances at the IVF this fall since there was not enough research to show that it helped any. That, was one of my reasons for getting another one, yes, but the biggest reason was that my periods has slowly over the past year became just as worse as they had been before my last surgery...
In April, Im not sure if I mentioned this or not, Dr. King, (my texas doctor) told me that he wasn't sure if they were going to be moving forward with the IVF this fall because the civilian company they were working with went our of business and now the Army wants to take over the program on the Air Force base. So there was not a definitive answer of when it would proceed. Agonizing over the wait to find out yes or no for the past two and a half months was horrible! I was starting to really get into finding out about private adoptions as well as doing some more research on the Surrogacy issue.
BUT Dr. king called me just a few days ago and updated me with the latest information telling me that they usually have about fifty couples that they deal with each cycle. (They only do four IVF treatments a year due to lack of staffing) Since now they are contracted with a brand new civilian company, one that has better established roots in the community and the Army has now taken over the medical records part of the process that they will be able do about half of the participants and that Nick and I would for sure be one of the couples. YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
So its looking like we are going to head down there late August/Early September to start the process! It has been a long crazy wait since we started off being a patient at Wilford Hall (the hospital in Texas, where the IVF will happen, located on Lackland Air Force Base) in January of 2010. Since we have been there longest patients there that we were for sure going to be able to be one of the couples to be treated.
We need prayers right now. I am starting a new job in my dental career on Friday and I pray that when I tell them I need about three weeks off so soon (early September) that they will want to keep me! That right now is my biggest anxiety. Hopefully I can show them what a good work ethic I have and that even though I need that much time off so soon that I would still be a viable asset to the company!!
A friend at work said it pretty well, "You have been waiting for almost 14 months on this list to get into your In Vitro and I know how excited you are to start this new job but what is more important? If they don't want to keep you because of it you don't want to work there anyways." Nicely put.
Hope for the best huh? They all seem to be pretty nice and understanding there from what I could tell on my working interview as well as my original interview so here's hoping they will be understanding with this issue to.
Sorry if this post looks a little scrambled grammar and thought process wise, I had my third surgery yesterday and am on some heavy duty pain killers! Also pray that we will be able to get into the Fisher House because otherwise we would won't be able to afford hotels for three weeks! For those of you who who don't know what the Fisher house is, its sort of like a nice Ronald McDonald house/houses on base for those traveling from out of state to have treatment at Wilford Hall. They are really big nice houses that you can stay in for free! Each room looks like a hotel room with its own bathroom and one or two beds. And they have a community kitchen that looks like cute little house kitchen that each room has their own cupboard and shelf in the fridge. This way we dont have to eat out so much since we have a kitchen! But they are on a first come first serve basis and noone has to leave until they are done with treatment at Wilford Hall which in certain cases is indefinite. So pray for us that there will be a spot open when we head down that way!
Meds ares starting to kick in so its off to bed I go.
This particular blog will not be as sharp and witty as the other ones for the simple reason that I am on tylox! I had my third Laparoscopy yesterday! Its an easy out patient surgery is usually easy to recover from. This one, however was a tad harder. I am still pretty sore and majorly loopy. (Don't worry, no attempting to eat dinner with the serving utensils again! That was the first surgery....)
Nick is currently in ALS and could not miss any class time since this is very important to his grade in the class, his new rank as well as the extra money he will get paid when he graduates! I'm pretty pysched about it, but of course it always makes me very proud to see him waltz across any stage in his handsome dress blues. Needless to say that my friend Jessica had to take me and it was nice relaxing at her house with all the babies (really little girls) that made me get well cards and having Jess take care of me after surgeries was the next best thing since Nick couldn't be there. Ahh the sacrifices that we military wives make! Luckily Nick was able to get home early and take care of me.
I had not had any surgeries in my life until we moved to Arkansas....weird?! But since then I have had four surgeries. Once for my adenoids, once for tonsillectomy.and two laperoscopic surgeries this will make for the fifth surgery! Not so horrible the worst pain I've had out of those surgeries was without exception was the tonsil removal. I did, however lose 12 pounds aside from the pain that was great! ;)
This surgery, recovery is finding to be a little more difficult than the other two laperoscopys in the past because of what they found when they went in. It turned out that I had a couple of scar tissues from the endometriosis on my uterus, some on my BLADDER, freaky to me since I have never had any scar tissues on any other place besides my uterus. Also they found scar tissues on the right ovary and the left ovary was actually fused to my uterine wall from the endo. Which is scary because at one point, my doctor in texas told me there was no need for me to have this surgery if all I was doing it for was to increase my chances at the IVF this fall since there was not enough research to show that it helped any. That, was one of my reasons for getting another one, yes, but the biggest reason was that my periods has slowly over the past year became just as worse as they had been before my last surgery...
In April, Im not sure if I mentioned this or not, Dr. King, (my texas doctor) told me that he wasn't sure if they were going to be moving forward with the IVF this fall because the civilian company they were working with went our of business and now the Army wants to take over the program on the Air Force base. So there was not a definitive answer of when it would proceed. Agonizing over the wait to find out yes or no for the past two and a half months was horrible! I was starting to really get into finding out about private adoptions as well as doing some more research on the Surrogacy issue.
BUT Dr. king called me just a few days ago and updated me with the latest information telling me that they usually have about fifty couples that they deal with each cycle. (They only do four IVF treatments a year due to lack of staffing) Since now they are contracted with a brand new civilian company, one that has better established roots in the community and the Army has now taken over the medical records part of the process that they will be able do about half of the participants and that Nick and I would for sure be one of the couples. YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!
So its looking like we are going to head down there late August/Early September to start the process! It has been a long crazy wait since we started off being a patient at Wilford Hall (the hospital in Texas, where the IVF will happen, located on Lackland Air Force Base) in January of 2010. Since we have been there longest patients there that we were for sure going to be able to be one of the couples to be treated.
We need prayers right now. I am starting a new job in my dental career on Friday and I pray that when I tell them I need about three weeks off so soon (early September) that they will want to keep me! That right now is my biggest anxiety. Hopefully I can show them what a good work ethic I have and that even though I need that much time off so soon that I would still be a viable asset to the company!!
A friend at work said it pretty well, "You have been waiting for almost 14 months on this list to get into your In Vitro and I know how excited you are to start this new job but what is more important? If they don't want to keep you because of it you don't want to work there anyways." Nicely put.
Hope for the best huh? They all seem to be pretty nice and understanding there from what I could tell on my working interview as well as my original interview so here's hoping they will be understanding with this issue to.
Sorry if this post looks a little scrambled grammar and thought process wise, I had my third surgery yesterday and am on some heavy duty pain killers! Also pray that we will be able to get into the Fisher House because otherwise we would won't be able to afford hotels for three weeks! For those of you who who don't know what the Fisher house is, its sort of like a nice Ronald McDonald house/houses on base for those traveling from out of state to have treatment at Wilford Hall. They are really big nice houses that you can stay in for free! Each room looks like a hotel room with its own bathroom and one or two beds. And they have a community kitchen that looks like cute little house kitchen that each room has their own cupboard and shelf in the fridge. This way we dont have to eat out so much since we have a kitchen! But they are on a first come first serve basis and noone has to leave until they are done with treatment at Wilford Hall which in certain cases is indefinite. So pray for us that there will be a spot open when we head down that way!
Meds ares starting to kick in so its off to bed I go.
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