A few days ago my world crashed down around me. Our IVF cycle had failed.
While I found myself to be unusually calm during the dreaded two week wait I found it surprising when I woke with a feeling of dread the morning that I could test.
When we were at the drug class in Texas they did tell us that we should not be taking any urine pregnancy tests before the blood test because the results would be inaccurate due to the hormones we were on. Well to me, thats like telling a bird not to fly.....
So, with research from tons of completely reliable websites...scoff....I managed to sneak a urine test a full five days before my blood test was due. Of course it was negative. After having one full day of crazy, I read online that blood tests will always show the correct results 8-10 days sooner before the urine tests so I stopped the freaking out and resumed the calm and peaceful talks to the embryos inside me.
Each morning I told them how much we loved them, prayed for them every day, couldn't wait to meet them, if they would just hang on for the next nine months I promised them everything under the sun. After three hours and no call from either the base hospital or the doctors in Texas I thought something was wrong. It turns out that I was the only one they hadn't heard from that day and after mass confusion to include doctors not being able to get in contact with the lab, busy phone lines and computers being down I was told I could go get the results myself. With a very shaky and sweaty hand I filled out the medical release paper work that would allow me to release my bloodwork...to.....myself....explain that round about to me....
The results were what I feared they might be. Negative. After crying the the base parking lot with my husband we went home to grieve and try to move forward.
We have nine embryos from the transfer and from what I've read and been told by the doctors that is a very good number. My doctor also told me he was quite shocked that the IVF didn't work as we were ideal candidates and did everything correctly and the embryos that we put in were perfect. He said we couldn't have had more perfect embryos. I asked if my endometriosis could have played a factor in the failure of the cycle and he said it was possible but we had no way to know for sure.
I felt horrible at this news for a few days and very much blamed myself. I know it was not my fault that I had endometriosis but it could have been my fault because I had the disease that the IVF did not work. I felt as though my uterus was just a bad environment. After being consoled by my wonderful husband many times I began to feel better but not completely hopeful.
Something uplifting that the doctor did tell us, is that people with endometriosis usually do better with a frozen cycle (meaning just the embryos transfer without the egg producing drugs) because your ovaries and uterus are not bombarded with all of the drugs needed to actually produce the embryos. The theory is that a fresh IVF cycle is a very harsh environment for your reproductive area and that with a frozen one you are not even on any meds until the day of the transfer. So, with that news we will be taking a short break and resuming our trying with a frozen embryo transfer in November.
Each day that passes I feel more hopeful for another cycle. I am trying to find Gods reasoning in our first IVF cycle failing. I am praying that is is because one of our children is lying in wait in one of those nine precious embryos. I do realize that God has a plan for us, and that I will be a mother some day. It is just harder to grip so close to the grief of losing the first two embryos.
Six months ago we also had an offer of a surrogate. This, I believe was an offer straight from God. Because if none of the frozen cycles worked we would move towards adoption. Which is not to say that adoption would be our last option in any ways, simply due to monetary issues, we would not have been able to afford a surrogate through an agency.
Adoption is in our family plan and always has been, my heart has been set to adopt from somewhere overseas since I was a child. Nick and I are both on board with this, however we realize how expensive it is and will need to save for years for this dream to become a reality. We plan on having a separate savings account just for this reason.
Although my heart is leaning towards having our gestational carrier carry the embryos first and not doing a frozen cycle, many people close to me, including the most important person, my husband, believe that I should try at least one frozen cycle on my own first. There are many reasons for me leaning the way I am at the moment and the most obvious is that our surrogate doesn't have any kind of reproductive issues with her uterus like I do. In other words, healthy environment for baby. Also I can't imagine the feeling of overwhelming love that will come to this child knowing that not only their mom and dad loved them so much but they will forever have a special connection to their surrogate. It just really seems as if my heart is in the right place with this movement.
I know that being able to carry my own child would be the most ideal situation but I am already ready if that is not the case. I can only see the end result of holding our baby in our arms. I don't care one way or the other how they got there.
We have been blessed in finding out that we will not have to pay for one cycle and this does relieve quite a bit of stress from us for the next step. In the spirit of being hopeful and being positive I am looking forward to moving forward with this. Documents are signed and the embryos should be on their way to Arkansas within a week or so. I also have confidence that this will be a more relaxing cycle because we are able to be in our own home the entire time. Not in another state, worrying about dinners and every other expense that comes along with traveling. I have an appointment next week for a physical and to talk to my doctor about the transfer process and get some questions answered.
Praying to be content in our situation, for hope in the next venture and for peace in not knowing what Gods plan is for us but that he will bless us with our baby in our arms very, very soon.
Taylor
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Before the chicken came the.....
As I am still in some pain from the egg retrieval I won't be posting a video any time soon because I look like a cave woman from a distant planet....
SO, the news with the eggs is thus: Retrieval day went well although as often as I prayed for calm and peace and sanity, I did lose it for a minute when I saw one of the nurses pull out a needle (actually a probe with a needle on the end of it) that was the length of my elbow to the tip of my middle finger. No exaggeration needed. Then came the freak out and I'm sorry but the whole lack of modesty thing is a little hard to keep in check when you are available for ALL to see, and non medicated. I mean I realize that they do this thing every day (I kept hearing that I was the 2,001 patient) but it is still hard to keep your fears in perspective after seeing the big A needle and not even having the goofy juice on board.
Thankfully one of the nurses that was in there with me was the same one that I had been dealing with on the phone for over a year so and she was very kind and soothing, made even more so by the fact that when she noticed how upset I was, she started to administer the drugs....yeeaaaahhhhhhh......zzzzzzzz.....
So I wasn't totally knocked out for the procedure and I do remember being quite uncomfortable at times during the extraction but for the most part it didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to. Have been in some pain yesterday and all day today, but the pain meds definitely help. They also cause me to sleep for 12 hours a time so I'm trying to hold off until bedtime! I felt bad having Nick sit here in the room with me while I suffered/slept, so I tried to get him to take us to a movie today, which he replied that he is content to sit and watch movies while I rest, since I apparently look like an injured zombie walking around the room. Rest today it is!
The EXCELLENT news that we got this morning is that out of the 20 eggs retrieved, yes 20...(apparently a great number) we were told that about half would fertilize. A call from our doctor this morning revealed that we had 16 that turned into embryos!!!!!! CRAZY! I am so excited, I mean we have had nothing but sign, after sign, after positive sign on this trip that things are going to work out in our favor and this number has really just made it seem like I was not losing my mind. That number may decrease by the time they are transferred, which is Sunday morning, but since we are only putting in two, that is a great number to work with!
Waiting the appropriate amount of days to test will be excruciating, hopefully can find a new hobby, or take up one that I have been neglecting to help the time pass quickly. My next door neighbor here had her transfer yesterday morning and they gave her the first ultrasound picture!! I can't begin to tell you how elated that makes me. Having something like that to carry around with me until test day will be a living testimony of hope to hold on to.
One happy, (albeit sore), lucky and blessed girl.
SO, the news with the eggs is thus: Retrieval day went well although as often as I prayed for calm and peace and sanity, I did lose it for a minute when I saw one of the nurses pull out a needle (actually a probe with a needle on the end of it) that was the length of my elbow to the tip of my middle finger. No exaggeration needed. Then came the freak out and I'm sorry but the whole lack of modesty thing is a little hard to keep in check when you are available for ALL to see, and non medicated. I mean I realize that they do this thing every day (I kept hearing that I was the 2,001 patient) but it is still hard to keep your fears in perspective after seeing the big A needle and not even having the goofy juice on board.
Thankfully one of the nurses that was in there with me was the same one that I had been dealing with on the phone for over a year so and she was very kind and soothing, made even more so by the fact that when she noticed how upset I was, she started to administer the drugs....yeeaaaahhhhhhh......zzzzzzzz.....
So I wasn't totally knocked out for the procedure and I do remember being quite uncomfortable at times during the extraction but for the most part it didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to. Have been in some pain yesterday and all day today, but the pain meds definitely help. They also cause me to sleep for 12 hours a time so I'm trying to hold off until bedtime! I felt bad having Nick sit here in the room with me while I suffered/slept, so I tried to get him to take us to a movie today, which he replied that he is content to sit and watch movies while I rest, since I apparently look like an injured zombie walking around the room. Rest today it is!
The EXCELLENT news that we got this morning is that out of the 20 eggs retrieved, yes 20...(apparently a great number) we were told that about half would fertilize. A call from our doctor this morning revealed that we had 16 that turned into embryos!!!!!! CRAZY! I am so excited, I mean we have had nothing but sign, after sign, after positive sign on this trip that things are going to work out in our favor and this number has really just made it seem like I was not losing my mind. That number may decrease by the time they are transferred, which is Sunday morning, but since we are only putting in two, that is a great number to work with!
Waiting the appropriate amount of days to test will be excruciating, hopefully can find a new hobby, or take up one that I have been neglecting to help the time pass quickly. My next door neighbor here had her transfer yesterday morning and they gave her the first ultrasound picture!! I can't begin to tell you how elated that makes me. Having something like that to carry around with me until test day will be a living testimony of hope to hold on to.
One happy, (albeit sore), lucky and blessed girl.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Video Update
All you need to know. :)
http://www.youtube.com/user/LoadMastersWifey?feature=mhee
Stress free, love and happiness.
TE
http://www.youtube.com/user/LoadMastersWifey?feature=mhee
Stress free, love and happiness.
TE
Sunday, September 11, 2011
*Insert clever blog post title here...
Second day on the meds and no side effects to speak of! Well except the fact that I wake up from naps, Yes naps, two days in a row I have felt the extreme desire for sleep in the middle of the day, all sweaty and hot. Although, this may be because I started a cycle on Friday morning.
Yes. My period, which, by the way, FREAKED me out so much because noone mentioned to me that I would get another one!!! I was under the impression that after I started on the birth control that I would start the hormone shots shortly afterwards and would have the embryo transfer before I could get another period and with the Grace of God would not have another one for nine months! After getting up a few times in the night to use the bathroom (a common thing for me) Nick gets up before me and heads to the bathroom himself in the morning. He comes back in the bedroom and asks if all the blood was from my nose.... My eyes flew open. Blood? What?
Sure enough it was quite a bit. Just a heavier than normal one. But a period none the less. I was so scared thinking that I was not supposed to get my period and we were also supposed to start our hormones this very morning! While the brain hamster was frantically running laps it also surmised that I may be sent home only to have to come down next month to try and do another cycle again because my body had somehow flipped out and started my period a whole three weeks early! Nick called the on call doctor who was unaware of what to do with an IVF patient (even though we were told to call this specific number and identify ourselves as an IVF patient) after talking to two nurses and a second doctor, our IVF doctor finally called us back and said that it was expected that I get my period and that they wanted to be able to control every aspect of it down to a T. Well perhaps you should inform your patients that a period is to be expected...so that they don't have a nervous breakdown when it does occur!! Another call to check and see if I could take my narcotics for my endometriosis and we were right back on schedule.
Spent a day at the riverwalk with our next door neighbor Conny, a fellow IVF patient and the only other out-of-towner in this cycle. (Which is kind of disappointing because I was hoping to meet all the other couples but they are all at their respective houses in San Antonio and the drug class only included Conny and I because we are actually synced up together) I guess there is a chance I could meet some other girls in the cycle before we leave which would be nice to have something so special to bond over. Connie is really sweet, army wife, originally from Germany but stationed in Oklahoma. Her husband can't get the time off that Nick was given so he can't come down until a week from now so we invite her along with us on some excursions.We enjoyed delicious mexican food and fed the ducks, one of whom took a liking to Nick and actually took a little nap right under his leg, so cute. Discovered Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company and grabbed a Tiger Butter Caramel Apple to take home and devour later.
Tomorrow its off to find a prime goofy golf location and search for the outlet malls. Dinner is baked ziti with Italian tofu sausage! (doing very well with the vegetarian switch so far! It was easy to quit with the red meat and pork but having to weed out the chicken a little slower. Still consuming plenty of seafood, which I do not plan on stopping for many reasons.)
Goodnight all!
Shot date!
With fellow IVF patient Conny in the kitchen (where the meds are kept in a separate fridge). We have two shots a day at the moment and this is our 9:30 p.m. excursion.
**** Blood related talk below, if its too gross for you feel free to skip :) ****
Yes. My period, which, by the way, FREAKED me out so much because noone mentioned to me that I would get another one!!! I was under the impression that after I started on the birth control that I would start the hormone shots shortly afterwards and would have the embryo transfer before I could get another period and with the Grace of God would not have another one for nine months! After getting up a few times in the night to use the bathroom (a common thing for me) Nick gets up before me and heads to the bathroom himself in the morning. He comes back in the bedroom and asks if all the blood was from my nose.... My eyes flew open. Blood? What?
Sure enough it was quite a bit. Just a heavier than normal one. But a period none the less. I was so scared thinking that I was not supposed to get my period and we were also supposed to start our hormones this very morning! While the brain hamster was frantically running laps it also surmised that I may be sent home only to have to come down next month to try and do another cycle again because my body had somehow flipped out and started my period a whole three weeks early! Nick called the on call doctor who was unaware of what to do with an IVF patient (even though we were told to call this specific number and identify ourselves as an IVF patient) after talking to two nurses and a second doctor, our IVF doctor finally called us back and said that it was expected that I get my period and that they wanted to be able to control every aspect of it down to a T. Well perhaps you should inform your patients that a period is to be expected...so that they don't have a nervous breakdown when it does occur!! Another call to check and see if I could take my narcotics for my endometriosis and we were right back on schedule.
Spent a day at the riverwalk with our next door neighbor Conny, a fellow IVF patient and the only other out-of-towner in this cycle. (Which is kind of disappointing because I was hoping to meet all the other couples but they are all at their respective houses in San Antonio and the drug class only included Conny and I because we are actually synced up together) I guess there is a chance I could meet some other girls in the cycle before we leave which would be nice to have something so special to bond over. Connie is really sweet, army wife, originally from Germany but stationed in Oklahoma. Her husband can't get the time off that Nick was given so he can't come down until a week from now so we invite her along with us on some excursions.We enjoyed delicious mexican food and fed the ducks, one of whom took a liking to Nick and actually took a little nap right under his leg, so cute. Discovered Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company and grabbed a Tiger Butter Caramel Apple to take home and devour later.
At the Riverwalk with Nick.
Same photo was taken in this exact location six years ago after Nicks graduation from Basic Training!
Tomorrow its off to find a prime goofy golf location and search for the outlet malls. Dinner is baked ziti with Italian tofu sausage! (doing very well with the vegetarian switch so far! It was easy to quit with the red meat and pork but having to weed out the chicken a little slower. Still consuming plenty of seafood, which I do not plan on stopping for many reasons.)
Goodnight all!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Drug class 101
We are here! Sign outside of our clinic at Brooke Army Medical Center
Ok so I am starting to do more videos as a nice little souvenir to have WHEN the baby comes. This is the only language I will be using during the process, positive! And I have loved seeing others IVF video blogs online and have loved the support and information they have given me. Hopefully others will be able to gain something from my videos as well.
All of the needles for the course of my cycle! Yikes!! (although I tell myself if I can deal with Endometriosis I can certainly deal with some shots!)
We start our meds on Saturday, Nick has to take an antibiotic until the embryo transfer but I am the lucky one with all the needles. lol. I am used to giving myself subcutaneous injections since that is what we have done for the past two years at Dr. Millers office with Gonal F. Those aren't a big deal. Its the intramuscular injections that are just a tiny bit scary to me. Although I was told that getting my Depo shots over the years were also intramuscular and they didn't bother me too bad so if I can just remember those then I will be ok.
Video blog link: http://www.youtube.com/user/LoadMastersWifey?feature=mhee
The fisher house video has poor lighting and the drug class part one video has poor sound but I promise the next one will be perfect on both ends! Just started video blogging so I am still learning! We start our drugs tomorrow morning! Bring on the hormones and side effects! ha ha!
Till next time...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Zoological....
We spent the first three nights and two full days in Dallas and had a nice time. Especially since the weather was a gorgeous and breezy 80 degrees at its highest! We spent the first day at the Dallas Zoo, which was HUGE. The sign out front boasts the largest in the southwest. Dallas was extremely windy, which wasn't that bad for the most part, hair stuck to lip gloss however, didn't agree. :)
The Zoo was also a fantastic deal for the size and amount of education they offered to the public. With Nicks military ID we both got in for only twenty dollars total. All of the habitats were very clean, rather large and all of the animals looked happy and well cared for. Below are some videos of the Baboons (Nick with the funny commentary) and a six week old baby giraffe we got to spend some time with. She was so cute and ran around her little area much to the delight of everyone there.
The Zoo was also a fantastic deal for the size and amount of education they offered to the public. With Nicks military ID we both got in for only twenty dollars total. All of the habitats were very clean, rather large and all of the animals looked happy and well cared for. Below are some videos of the Baboons (Nick with the funny commentary) and a six week old baby giraffe we got to spend some time with. She was so cute and ran around her little area much to the delight of everyone there.
A mother with her two daughters and one son, these otters were SO adorable
First blood draw and labs tomorrow morning at 6:30 am...although tonight at dinner I was telling Nick that I don't remember if it is at Wilford Hall Medical Center or BAMSEE, which is the Army Base that the procedure is being done at which is about twenty minutes down the road.....Oops. I literally wrote everything else down so I can't believe I forgot to write that detail down. Am just going to show up at Wilford Hall at six am and hopefully I will be able to talk to someone there and it will be early enough to head to the other location if it is there....
Then we have our first drug class at 1:30 to go over all the meds I'll be loading up on! Fun, Fun! :)
Ok so its a pain to upload the videos to the blog so I'm going to upload them to my youtube account. Warning: my youtube account is mostly used for making mushy I-love-you videos to Nick while he is deployed. Feel free to avoid the side panel. ;) And since the upload is telling me its now going to take 60 minutes, must be slow speeds here... it will probably be tomorrow before its uploaded!
Till then!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Baby-cation!
Today was my last day at work for three weeks! I have to say that just the idea of being able to get away with the handsome husband by ourselves for the first time since the honeymoon is a glorious thought in itself! Wonderful in-laws has set us up for an early start to our "baby-cation" with three nights in Dallas!
We get to start the trip with a visit to the uh-maze-ing IKEA!, the zoo in Dallas claims to be one of the biggest in the South East so we may check that out, Perhaps the Aquarium since that looks neat and rather large, I'd like to check out the Holocaust museum, Nick found a cool museum called the Sixth Floor Museum which I believe is the history surrounding where J.F.K. was shot. I have been told that there was great food and fabulous shopping so all in all a great start!
Also I learned yesterday that our room was confirmed at the Fisher House so that is one less worry to check off the list.
A few co-workers gave me some trinkets and a good luck brownie today as going away/good luck gifts! I am telling you it doesn't matter what the gift is just the idea that they thought of you, prayed for you and are wishing you the best of luck just made me smile.
The little angel is a "miracle angel" from one of my bosses at work and the card is from her as well. Inside it reads, "Believe and know that God WILL give you the desires of your heart. Go and get your miracle!" She said that she prayed over it and that it is very special. Isn't that so sweet! I nearly cried while hugging her. The two rocks are from a co-worker who says the brown one (I forget what it is called, sad I know I should have researched this before this blog post but after being up since five am please forgive the lack of information!) is for fertility and the pink one (she said picked for my favorite color as well as the benefits) is for good luck and I believe health? Anyways I plan on having every talisman on me possible probably the entire trip but mainly during the embryo transfer! Also am taking a fertility necklace my mother had blessed in the Philippines for fertility which she attributes to me. :) Lets face it, any extra bit of luck goes along fantastic with every bit of faith.
Am starting a list tomorrow of things to take along and am going to search around for easy recipes for dinner while we are at The Fisher House. Not a lot of pots and pans to wash, easy storage and what not. We are taking along the video camera and assuming I can figure out some editing skills on the fly, am planning some video updates along the road as well. Nick has generously agreed to add to the humorous commentary. Not sure how quick-witted/funny/informative they will be but it will be a amazing compilation of memories for the new bebe' to have one day when he/she leaves the nest.
Only nine pm on a Friday and I am exhausted already!! Last hair appointment until we can take "The Test" which would be another six weeks or so from now, is tomorrow. Lots of errand running, animal dropping off at friends houses and packing, packing, oooohhhh the packing.
Excitement abound!
<3
We get to start the trip with a visit to the uh-maze-ing IKEA!, the zoo in Dallas claims to be one of the biggest in the South East so we may check that out, Perhaps the Aquarium since that looks neat and rather large, I'd like to check out the Holocaust museum, Nick found a cool museum called the Sixth Floor Museum which I believe is the history surrounding where J.F.K. was shot. I have been told that there was great food and fabulous shopping so all in all a great start!
Also I learned yesterday that our room was confirmed at the Fisher House so that is one less worry to check off the list.
A few co-workers gave me some trinkets and a good luck brownie today as going away/good luck gifts! I am telling you it doesn't matter what the gift is just the idea that they thought of you, prayed for you and are wishing you the best of luck just made me smile.
The little angel is a "miracle angel" from one of my bosses at work and the card is from her as well. Inside it reads, "Believe and know that God WILL give you the desires of your heart. Go and get your miracle!" She said that she prayed over it and that it is very special. Isn't that so sweet! I nearly cried while hugging her. The two rocks are from a co-worker who says the brown one (I forget what it is called, sad I know I should have researched this before this blog post but after being up since five am please forgive the lack of information!) is for fertility and the pink one (she said picked for my favorite color as well as the benefits) is for good luck and I believe health? Anyways I plan on having every talisman on me possible probably the entire trip but mainly during the embryo transfer! Also am taking a fertility necklace my mother had blessed in the Philippines for fertility which she attributes to me. :) Lets face it, any extra bit of luck goes along fantastic with every bit of faith.
Am starting a list tomorrow of things to take along and am going to search around for easy recipes for dinner while we are at The Fisher House. Not a lot of pots and pans to wash, easy storage and what not. We are taking along the video camera and assuming I can figure out some editing skills on the fly, am planning some video updates along the road as well. Nick has generously agreed to add to the humorous commentary. Not sure how quick-witted/funny/informative they will be but it will be a amazing compilation of memories for the new bebe' to have one day when he/she leaves the nest.
Only nine pm on a Friday and I am exhausted already!! Last hair appointment until we can take "The Test" which would be another six weeks or so from now, is tomorrow. Lots of errand running, animal dropping off at friends houses and packing, packing, oooohhhh the packing.
Excitement abound!
<3
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