6-12 Months

I am a horrible blog post updater! I usually post your milestones on your private page on Facebook and always write them down in your baby book and of course upload videos to our youtube account....wait with all of that said I guess I am not so bad at all! :)

At ten months your first tooth finally broke through the surface. You only needed medicine at night and only if you had a fever but you never woke in the night for pain due to teething. You are currently sleeping 12 hours a night and taking (if we cross our fingers, pray, hop on one leg and spin around three times) two naps a day! A few days after your first tooth broke through you went from army crawling to up on your hands and feet crawling. It only took 24 hours of learning to do this and you were as quick as lightning!

July 3rd, 2013 you learned how to pull up on to standing on your own. Daddy and I were sitting on the couch and you were crawling around on the floor. We thought its funny how much you like to booty shake to different songs and were enjoying flipping through different YouTube videos to see which one got better dance moves. When we put on "I'm Sexy and I Know it" you reached up on the ottoman and pulled yourself up to grab the phone and dance standing up! The next day at a friends house for 4th of July you were pulling yourself to standing on anything you could find.

You had your first sink bath, probably a little sooner then we should have because you got so excited you almost face planted in the sink under the water! Freaked us out out you recovered quickly and enjoyed bath time in a new location with your ducky. 

At 11 and a half months you started pushing yourself up from a sitting position into a full standing position using nothing to get yourself up. You look all proud of yourself then lose your balance and plop down on your bottom. Thank goodness for thick cloth diapers! You have gotten more daring at 12 months and pick toys up while you do this and shake them around while standing. Its pretty great to watch. 

The day before your first birthday party 8-16-13, you were given a new walker toy (a motorcycle) by your Uncle Ben and his girlfriend Erika. You stood up right away and took off walking using it. Like you had been doing that for AGES! Surprised Daddy and I! Now we take nightly walks outside in your squeaky shoes and your new walker and you are super fast up and down the drive way. 

Your first birthday party was a success and you thoroughly enjoyed every minute of your hot pink cupcake. We had a few small ball pits and brought some of your larger toys and all of the kids seemed to have a great time. Neenny cooked up a storm for some yummy food and we made a delicious pink punch. The theme was You are my Sunshine which was ironic seeing as how it was pouring down rain all day! Didn't stop friends and family from making their way out to your party and it was very obvious how much you are loved. 

We are very much looking forward to our first vacation in two years and our first vacation as a family this September. We are spending a week in Orlando at our time share and will do a few days at Disney. We are mainly looking forward to lounging around in the time shares lazy river and pools and just enjoying having nothing to do but enjoy each other for a whole week.

You don't watch much TV (except when Mommy needs a little help if Daddy has a night flight) but when you do you LOVE Mickey Mouse Club House. Especially Mickey Mouse himself. You scream with laughter, dance really hard and just smile up a storm. We are hoping when we go to Disney and you see Mickey in person you won't cry but smile. We know its a toss up because of your young age but we hope for the best. I look forward to being able to take you to Disney very much, its something I have looked forward to growing up loving the company and then working for and falling in love in the park for years. I can't tell you how much I look forward to many trips to come over the years and to see your face light up with joy each time.

Hopefully the next blog post won't take another six months. ;) We love you so much Avery!

Mommy and Daddy

Months 3 to 5

I should start off the post saying that I can't believe that I have let nearly three months go by without updating your blog but then again its pretty believable when I realize how tired I am every day!

(Happily so.)

Thank goodness for Facebook and social media. I usually get so excited when you hit a milestone that I either snap a picture or post it to Facebook right away and therefore it is date stamped right away.

I have a few friends who have babies that are around your age and it seems like every single one of them has reached the milestone of rolling over from belly to back so quickly! As much as you hated tummy time I wondered how far along you would be. I quickly learned however, not to compare your babies progress with babies of the same age because milestones are met with such WIDE age ranges its impossible to compare!

You rolled over from belly to back on December 28th, 2012. Then as if you were trying to say, Oh yeah, you think that was cool? Check this out! And rolled BACK over onto your belly! That is quite a feat because the two of them usually come a few months apart. And lucky your Dad thought to catch it all on video.

A few days ago (mid January 2013) you pushed up with elbows locked all the way off your chest. You got really excited and screamed out loud.

Speaking of screaming you do quite a lot of that lately. Happy screaming and squealing! You are incredibly vocal and we hope you will talk early. :)

You LOVE when I read to you, you coo and and yell aloud and of course try to grab and eat the pages. I hope you love to read as much as I do and I especially can't wait to read you the Harry Potter series. Your favorite books so far are:

1.) Good night Moon
2.) Guess how much I love you
3.) The going to bed book

Tonight you objected when I lifted you off your play mat while you were playing with your bird toy. I apologized and put you back down and you went right back to playing happily. I guess this is another milestone for your five month mark! I read What To Expect the First year and its got a great list of different milestones and the age ranges for them. You frequently have many that you hit in the advanced age range.

We also got some real belly laughs during your fourth month. Daddy and I think the first one was when Mommy was making silly noises and started to quack like duck with a sore throat and you laughed high and uncontrollably, we died laughing ourselves. Every now and then we will find ourselves making all kinds of crazy noises to try and get you to let out a huge burst of laughter.

You didn't get a reaction from your 2 month shots but you did at your 4 month shots. Your little fever and fussy mood had me feeling very sad and sorry for you. :(
We put you in your bunny swing and you perked up a little. I tried to make you laugh by wiggling around and you screamed laughter. We actually got that one on video.

You LOVE to eat your feet and shove them in your mouth any chance you get.

I also got a fancy new Canon 50D to capture your rapid growth and many smiles and laughs.

We love you sweet baby girl and enjoy watching you grow every day!

Mommy & Daddy

2 months of life

Oh sweet girl, how I love getting to stay home with you every day to see each new face you make, there are quite a few of them now.

You are about to get up from a morning nap, your usual long nap, so I will just jot a few things down so I don't forget them. My memory was never the best but since getting pregnant with you and the lack of sleep that continues to this day it has grown even worse!

*Pacifiers - We didn't use one with you for a few weeks as the lactation consultants told us that it would interfere with your ability to distinguish from me and would cause you to clamp down. I believe we finally broke down when you were three weeks old and we had company over. You are sensitive and easily over stimulated so we gave you a Soothie Brand paci to help you settle and so that Daddy's parents could have some time with you. You took to it pretty quickly. I got some Doctor Browns and Avent pacifiers from my shower but you are having none of either of those.

When we try to get you to use one of them you make a face like we are sticking cod liver oil or something equally gross in your mouth and quickly push it back out. You turn your head and furrow your brow as if to say, "Why did you do that to me, that was disgusting!" Its pretty funny.

Recently you have been waking at around the 45 minute mark in your nap and about eighty percent of the time if we go into the room, (you are now napping in your crib in your actual nursery but are still sleeping nights in mom and dads room in your pack and play) and put your paci back in your mouth you go back to sleep. I feared that I had created a sleep prop for you because the only time we ever gave you a paci in the first place was to nap or night time sleep. After asking advice and reading A LOT, I decided to eliminate the paci for sleep all together and to only use it when we are out and about . I read that babies do have a need to suck but its not needed for sleep, so now I keep all of them in the diaper bag and one in the living room. No temptations for you or Mommy to give in!

The first nap you cried when I swaddled you, (you HATE being swaddled but calm down once I turn you belly to belly with me and hum one of your favorite lullabies) but as soon as I put you down in your crib for the first nap of the day with no paci you went right to sleep. Second nap you cried for a total of two minutes, (Mommy watches the clock) and crashed. Third nap you scream cried, (HORRIBLE) then settled into a whimper then sleep for a total of three minutes. The second I went to check on you during the scream crying you had started to whimper and quiet so I held out. Glad I did. You also awoke from each nap with your usual grin for Mommy so I feel like I did no permanent damage, ha ha.

*Tummy Time - You pretty much still hate Tummy Time but its needed so to help you we prop up your body for the first half of the session with your Boppy Pillow and it makes you less unhappy. I even got a few smiles at one point. In two months you went from holding your head up wobbly at a 45 degree angle to holding it steady at a 90 degree angle. You also have great head control when someone is holding you upright in their arms although its not for very long.

First time you held your head at a 90 degree angle on Tummy Time was November 2nd.

*Smiles - You are SUCH a smiley baby, your eyes squish up like Mommy's do when you smile really big and Daddy and I both get a laugh out of that. You have so many different smiles. The sleepy-eyed smile after we get you up from a nap, the big-open-mouthed-smile when you are about to do a cough type of laugh when your on the changing table. Stick-your-tongue out smile when you are particularly content. The only time you cry at all to date is if you have a wet diaper. Most of the time you fuss first so we know whats up. It has been reliable 90% of the time.

You began sleeping through the night at right around three months. That meant that you didn't wake to feed from eight at night until about six or seven in the morning. HOWEVER, you my little wiggle worm, like to squeeze yourself into a corner of the pack and play about four times a week and get really mad and grunt loudly until someone comes and moves you back up to the head of the bed. Then you are quickly back asleep. So although you may be sleeping that long at night, Mommy is not. :)

You began doing little laughs at around two months. Just a few heh, heh, heh at a time. Never anything longer. Still really cute though.

Your first real belly laugh was on November 11th.

I was playing Super Baby with you and had you on my shins with my legs in the air, a new way to try Tummy Time and you had your arms outstretched and when I would rock you forward I would extend your arms a little and go Whooosh! like you were flying. You thought this was hilarious and laughed a real long belly laugh. (longer than your usual ones anyways) I freaked out and called for Daddy who was next door in the kitchen. Ran over with spatula in hand and I did it again and you again, repeated the laugh. One of the best sounds we have ever heard. You are all about the one time show, however because you have yet to repeat it. We both look forward to trying new things every day and seeing what makes you giggle.


Dad thinks you hate waking up as much as Mommy does because we apparently fight it in the same exact manner. Don't like to be touched until we have had our full body stretch. When we go in to get you up from your nap, we take the velcro off your swaddle and each hand pops free like its been in a straight jacket prison and straight up over your head. You arch your back high, squeeze your eyes shut and then slowly open them as you lower your arms back down. Then its the customary wake up smile. Its pretty funny because it's the same reaction every single time.

You "talk" so much now, even throwing in some squeals, usually only for Dad because he is just so silly. Coos, gaas and we both SWEAR your saying ma, ma, ma, ma now. Everyone says you will say Da Da first but we both hear you say Ma Ma at least one every other day. Its not just the two syllables but a string of them. I'm sure they don't connect with me, but I know they soon will. Not to mention you only do it when I'm not holding you....

Your Favorite Lullabies:

1.) I sang Beautiful Boy by John Lennon to you all the time when I was pregnant and its a sure fire way to get you to drift off quickly now. I just change boy to girl.

2.) La La Loo - the lullaby that is sung in Lady and The Tramp

3.) Lullaby - Billy Joel. Another one of your favorites

4.) Goodnight - Ringo Starr (what my Dad sang to me)


Current Nick Names:

Butterbean, A-Dub, Averykins, Baby Bunny, Squeeks, Little Bird

Mommy and Daddy love you very much!

Holding onto Memories

I need to find a baby memory book for you so I can remember all the wonderful, funny and silly things that have happened since you came into our lives. For now I will write them down here so I don't forget as my memory seems to be filled with, eat, nurse, play, sleep, repeat!

When we brought you home from the hospital we were very excited. Although we were having major breastfeeding issues with you. The lactation consultant said that she had never seen such a strong bite reflex! (You were supposed to have a strong SUCK reflex!) Thus, I was VERY sore and it made feeding you very difficult. Not to mention problems with positioning and milk production. :(

It was so challenging in the beginning. I was completely committed as hard as it was because I know there is no other choice for your well being that meets your needs so completely. We did wind up taking you to the ER on your sixth day of life because you were not having enough dirty diapers, which meant possible dehydration. And you were also born with jaundice, although thankfully not enough that you needed to be under the lights or that you had to stay in the hospital without us. Because of the jaundice however, you were extremely hard to wake up to eat. We had to strip you down to your diaper, wet you with a wipe, blow on you, move your arms and legs around all to get you aggravated enough to want to eat. Things settled down and I thought we had the hang of things but I was still really sore. So, Back to The Nesting Place at Sacred Heart where you were born I went. Turns out we made a little discovery about the shape of your palate that we didn't know until that day! (five weeks old) You have a little bubble shaped palate. This combined with the fact that I am very fair skinned has led to me still being sore. There was a little trick with latching however, that the lactation consultant showed me and now we are pain free. At six weeks of age you and I finally got the hang of it. At least until your first tooth comes in. :)

You are the hiccup queen, getting them at least four to five times in a 24 hour period. Poor girl. We should take up stock in Gripe Water because you need it to stop them. The doctor and internet resources say that they shouldn't bother you but clearly they do. You wind up ingesting so much air when you have them you cry every time. Hopefully they go away with age.

At around 5 weeks Daddy and I started getting real smiles. Not just because you were gassy, haha. But real, genuine smiles. We can't eat them up fast enough. Most of the time they are in the morning with me, Mommy, while Daddy sleeps and Daddy gets his smiles in the evening. You are becoming a little creature of habit. We both practice new and funny voices to get you to smile more all the time. You also love Mommys singing I discovered yesterday while doing the dishes. Tending to be a little fussy from 5-7 in the evening and already in your bouncer I didn't know what else to do to calm you so I started singing what came to mind at that moment. Disney love songs. :) You stopped crying right away and began smiling. I laughed and quit doing the dishes and came over to sing them right to you, it was pretty amazing.

I try to take a many pictures as I can of you because of how much you grow every day. You outgrew your bassinet at just four weeks of age and now you are already too tall for your infant swaddler pouches! My girl is going to be a supermodel! Everytime I try to catch a smile or funny face on video or on my cellphone you quickly stop and go to a stoic face. It's almost as if you know what I am trying to do! Better get used to it, Mom likes to take pictures a LOT. Not to mention scrap book! You will be grinning away and see the black cell phone come out and almost frown! Its very funny so I have to be sneaky.

Your doing great on your schedule with little bumps in the road like waking up twice during each nap the past two days. Glad to have you on a routine so we don't have to guess at what your needs are, you are able to communicate them more clearly because you know what to expect out of the day. You get sleepy before a nap and start to grunt/mini-cry to let us know you are hungry. All in all you are a pretty easy baby. The only time you cry is when you have a wet diaper and it is very quick as you seem to HATE to sit in them. I'm hoping this means you will be easy to potty train. Mommy and Daddy have been anointed with both pee and poop and every time its usually pretty funny. (after the yelling and screaming of surprise that is) We are a good team and get you undressed and bathed quickly after a blow out. All of this you seem to find amusing as well which only lends to us laughing more.

Besides your first bath (which you hated) you love bath time. You like the water very warm like Mom. We take turns who does the bathing and who does the baby moving. Your skin is pretty dry after the bath and Aveeno doesn't work well so we are on the hunt to get you nice and silky soft again.

Your on the way to sleeping through the night, (hopefully) since just yesterday you only woke up once at night. Really freaked Mommy out, sat there for an hour trying to figure out if I should wake you up to feed you even though the doctor said that I didn't need to at night anymore. You wound up waking up just a few minutes shy of an hour of me sitting there contemplating what to do. :)

Theres a little blue bug on your bouncer that you stare at with all seriousness until I shake it then you are scared out of your mind for a minute, eyes HUGE then go right back to looking seriously at it trying to figure the devil bug out. It is hilarious and sad all at the same time. I've only done it one other time because it is so darn funny. Although now you have wide eyes and open your mouth like you want to laugh.

You are also now at six weeks of age starting to "talk" back to Mom and Dad when we hold you in our laps talking to you. We get the biggest kick out of hearing you make little noises.

That's about all I can think of right now with my sleep deprived brain! We love you our sweet little girl.

Birth Story

Our Birth Story

At my 38 week appointment after I was checked for dilation, Dr. Duke noticed that I wasn't progressing any more. I had a low Bishop score and she said that my cervix wasn't as favorable as she would like it to be. She also said that she wasn't worried though and that if I wanted I could wait until 40 weeks to see if it would improve at all. With my cervical stenosis I wasn't thinking it wouldn't happen on its own. She also added that waiting every day after 39 weeks that your body starts to work against you and labor wouldn't be any easier just because I let myself go to 40 weeks. Bigger baby, lower fluid, etc. At the same appointment she measured Avery at already 8 pounds! She also mentioned that even though the chances were low (1% with each passing day after 39 weeks) the risk of fetal death goes up every three days after 39 weeks. Fetal Death? Are you kidding?! Even with all this new knowledge she said that everything was still looking good and that there was no pressure the choice was mine and she would support me in every way.

We discussed the risks and benefits to inducing and afterwards Nick and I went to dinner at The Fish house very nervous. It seemed to both of us that the benefits/risks to inducing really outweighed the risks of waiting to 40 weeks. I was to be induced on August 13th at midnight. Exciting yet horrifying that it was already here!

 Surprisingly I wasn't scared for labor. I was in a great deal of daily back pain, along with other late pregnancy pains that were pretty excruciating and was completely ready to be in control of my own body again. Not to mention that I have had many friends tell me that once they got the epidural everything was a breeze.

We went to walmart around 11 p.m. and got a goody basket for the nurses. Highly recommended on most baby websites as well as by our friends in the hopes of feeding the nurses helps you get prompt treatment as well as it just showing our appreciation. (Let me tell you, it worked tremendously. I wanted for absolutely nothing with those kind and sweet nurses) I got settled in and finished paperwork around 1 in the morning. Started fluids and pitocin by 2 a.m. I received some pain medicine for some issues I won't talk about on the blog haha and happily fell asleep until 7 in the morning. At 8 I started to feel minor contractions and my water was broken and epidural started promptly afterwards.

Having them break your water is the strangest feeling. How you can sit there and just feel like you are peeing all over yourself is beyond weird.

Here is how I thought my labor and delivery would go....

Nick and I would check in and be by ourselves until I got my epidural at which point I was supposed to be so happy and upbeat that I would allow family and visitors to come and frolic in the delivery room while I labored. (this is literally how some friends described the relief they got from the epidural) The baby would come out after pushing for no more than 20 minutes, they would hold her up, clean her off and give her to me. I would then spend a blissful two hours alone with Nick and our new little girl, feeding and bonding before allowing family in to see her.

Here is how my labor actually went...

Around 2 in the afternoon it was apparent that my epidural wasn't working in my lower back because I was having really bad dull back pain that wouldn't alleviate. I also noticed that I hated the feeling of the epidural because it made my legs feel like they weighed 200 lbs each, they kept falling off the bed on one side and were extremely swollen. Even with this annoyance I still allowed people in the room to visit. I don't know how much company I was however, because as the back pain got worse I had to close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else because the minute I opened them the pain was worse. The nurses came in at four to redose my epidural thinking that would help but it did nothing.

At one point my Dad suggested that there was a study done with patients with severe burns and in chronic pain, had the pain centers in their brain light up with relief when they were playing hand held games. Basically they were distracting themselves without knowing it from the pain and got relief. Nick handed over his Ipad with a game he downloaded for me and it truly helped. I was pretty astonished. I also was exhausted because of how long my back had been hurting me and with the knowledge of how much longer I had to go (I was only to five centimeters then) I had a hard time concentrating on the game itself.

People came and went but I honestly don't remember who was there or what was said. I remember allowing people to come into the room but I had to focus so hard away from the pain with my eyes closed.

Finally at ten p.m. I remember the nurses coming in to check me, telling me I was ready to push and putting my legs in the stirrups. I was so tired I barely opened my eyes and wasn't even excited to push. It really didn't register that this meant my daughter would be here soon at that point. Once I started to push I knew something was wrong because every time I would push I could feel all of the pain in a spot the size of my hand above my left ovary area. It would cause me to yell and cry in pain with every push. My doctor said it was what was called an epidural "window". Where one part of your body just doesn't take the medicine and the epidural just has no effect there. GREAT!

Time was elapsing and even with the back pain and lower ovary pain I still pushed as hard as I could  and no baby. The nurses kept telling me to push harder, which honestly really made me angry because I was SO TIRED from laboring in horrible pain all day, but even still I was pushing as hard as I possibly could! I knew my face was red and felt every vein in my forehead and neck pop out when I was doing so. One of the nurses used a towel she held on to while I grabbed the other end and pulled against her which was more of an effective push then me holding the bed rails.

The towel though would cut into my fingers and make them red and hurt quickly so Nick jumped in and used the same method but with a bed sheet and I crossed my forearms in it against my chest and pushed and pulled that way. I remember talk of forceps and vacuum being used but also being warned of a possible brain bleed so I said no to those. My doctor also didn't want to use them because Avery wasn't in distress at all. (I knew I was a real mother at that point, sacrificing my own pain for her safety)

I was in a very dark place as more time elapsed with me pushing as hard as long as I could and even though they kept saying you are so close! I just kept thinking you have got to be lying to me because her head isn't even out!! I was scared that I would be too exhausted to push the more time passed but what gave me a second wind was the possibility of problems with Avery after she was born because I quit. Even though she wasn't in distress at the moment I knew that could change.

Nick said at one point the nurses came in from outside and said that the Operating room was set up and ready to go but I didn't hear it. (Which was a good thing because I knew I would have said, "Lets GO!" Nick was such an amazing partner during all of this, even though I had my eyes closed, trying to manage the pain the best way I knew how, not interacting with anyone including him, he was still 100% involved. All of my labor photos show me just that. I am so blessed to have a man who is that much in love with me, how lucky can can I be?

What was even more discouraging was that inbetween contractions when you are supposed to relax, I heard someone say that she was slipping back in. So basically when I would push she would start to come out but get stuck past a certain point and not progress anymore and when I would relax for five seconds inbetween contractions she would SLIP BACK IN! Are you kidding. That was completely disheartening to hear.

Finally a whopping two and a half hours after I started pushing I felt the biggest pressure of my life and I heard them say her head was out. The doctor told me not to push and I felt a huge twisting turning pain and she said to continue pushing. In one shove her body was out after that. I was so relieved that I nearly passed out from pain. I remember only opening my eyes every few seconds for at least five minutes trying not to surrender from exhaustion.

Nick was teary eyed and went over to watch them clean her up as Dr. Duke was attending to my needs. He came over hugged me and we cried together. I noticed we hadn't heard her cry yet and I was just now processing that this wasn't good. When I had my eyes closed the NICU had came rushing in to evaluate her because she was having breathing issues. Turns out she had the the cord wrapped around her neck twice, a fever of 102.5 and low blood pressure. The NICU doctor came straight to me and said that he thinks she will be fine so he wasn't going to take her to the NICU but rather watch her closely in the nursery because he suspected her issues were from her "traumatic delivery". I'll never forget those words.

Turns out, no one knew that Avery was face up (the wrong position for delivery and the cause of all of my back pain while in labor) until her head was out of me. The horrible twisty/turning pain I felt after her head was out was the doctor turning her body around so that the rest of her would deliver in the correct position. Not to mention Avery had her chin sticking straight up instead of tucked into her chest which was another reason she would slip back in in between contractions. Horribly misshapen head and swollen like the marshmellow man she was still the most beautiful little being I had ever seen.

We didn't get to spend any time with her after delivery because she had to go immediately to the nursery to be watched closely. Because of this and my sheer delusional exhaustion I allowed everyone in the waiting room into my room to see her before they wheeled her off. Nick and I did get to hold her each for about two minutes before they took her which was nice.

I think that about covers it, Avery is about to wake up from her nap and will be hungry so I'm going to run! <3

A rose by any other name

How miss Avery got her name.

As most of you know we decided to keep our little girls name a secret until she was born. The main reason was that we had a hard time deciding on a girls name and we didn't want to tell anyone and have it change at the last minute!

But another fun reason is that we thought it would be nice for the family to say, "This is your new granddaughter, Avery Cate." So, after she graced us with her presence, (taking her sweet time) we happily announced her beautiful name. I had a hint of a worry that her name wouldn't match her face but when I saw her in the little hospital bassinet blinking up at me, it completely fit her.

When we knew we were pregnant I went out and bought the essential baby name books and we scoured them for hours each night. Nick liked to quickly Veto any of my quirky favorites...(Valentina, Fiona, Quinn, Emory). We had a much easier time narrowing our boy list down for some reason, I think mainly due to the fact that every member of his family and mine were convinced that we were having a boy because of past history of the family tree. All except Nick. From day one he said he knew we were having a girl.

Two months from her due date we had our girl names narrowed down to five names.

In no particular order:

1.) Amelia - one of our old favorites from when we first started trying to have a baby but a year after we started trying, even though we hadn't shared our favorite girl name with anyone, Nicks cousin had a little girl and that is the name they chose for her. Funnily enough I became very close to his wife and Amelia is the cutest little bug so it doesn't bother us! Not to mention if we did choose this name it did make us think there is already another Amelia Ellwood and that was something we didn't care for, especially since the first one was so cute. :)

2.) Lilah Grace - This would be a first and a middle name but I frequently said them together. As much as I loved the combination of the two names it didn't work for many reasons, one of the biggest is that Nick said Lilah Ellwood sounded like a mouth full of marbles...Another is that a friend of mine who is also TTC said in a conversation one day that it was their chosen name for their yet to arrive miracle. And lastly as much as I liked the name the more I tried to picture my daughters face with that name it just wouldn't come into mind.

3.) Olivia - all of the names I wanted for my girl were perfectly princess kind of names and even though this one was an extremely late addition, (because it was so high on the social security website for names in popularity) Nick somehow attached himself to the name so much that he would tell my pregnant belly, "Goodbye Olivia!" when he was headed to work.... It was a pretty name but just too popular, I didn't want her to be Olivia E. More of a unique name called to us.

4.) Avery - Our big winner.

I grew up in East Hill in Pensacola and near Avery Street. My first introduction to the name was the first babysitting job I ever had at the age of 14. My neighbors one street up had two little girls, Jennifer and Avery. I thought Avery was such a cool and unique name for a little girl and I had never heard it before. Fast forward to us trying to have a baby of our own and it danced in the back of my mind but never came to the forefront because I thought it lacked the "Princess Quality" that the other three did. So I kept ignoring the signs that this would be the name for our girl.

The day after Christmas I had a major scare with our pregnancy. I started cramping in the early afternoon and it got pretty bad around the early evening. After heading to the bathroom I noticed I was bleeding quite a bit but not what was considered to be heavy. I called the doctor and he put me on bedrest. Because I was only five weeks pregnant he said there was nothing the ER could do if I went there and all of the coming and going to get there could cause more problems. I was to go to Urgent care in the morning and get an Ultrasound before going to my regular fertility appointment that Monday. Needless to say I was an horrible, anxiety filled wreck all night. I prayed we would see a heartbeat on the way to the clinic in the morning and was preparing myself for the disappointment of a loss.

When the doctor started the ultrasound I was holding my breath while she searched for the baby. Finally we saw a tiny little blinking light. She said, "Do you see that right there? Thats the baby's heart beat." After bleeding this early she said our chance of a loss was down to only 20% after seeing the heartbeat. She even let us hear it for a few seconds. The minute the little light of life came flashing on the screen my mouth produced the words, "Hi, Avery, hi baby." I didn't even know the baby was a girl! I should have known from that point on that it was meant to be her name.

Many months pass and I am in Pensacola awaiting Nicks move down her so we can get settled in our new duty station. My mom still lives in East Hill and every time I would drive to her house I would pass Avery street and my heart would just soar. It was a true physical reaction in me to seeing the name. I called Nick right away and said, "I feel like her name is Avery and I just keep ignoring the signs!" He replied that the whole week we were apart he was calling her Avery in his head and he didn't tell me till that moment!

Cate is a literary reference from Pride and Prejudice. And overall just a classic southern name.

Funny how we can't see things that are so clearly in front of our face at times. :)

We love you so much our sweet and perfect Avery Cate.

I guess its time for an update!

Since it has been WAY too long I guess its time for a real update on here!

I have been pretty lax in my blog posting lately but we have had a crazy amount of life changes recently! First we got orders to Hurlburt Air Force Base, (moving in June of this year, eek!! Only a few weeks away CRAZY!) which is great because its about 40 minutes from both sets of parents, which will be great when it comes to helping out with the baby.

Oh yes, We are pregnant! With a little girl, who is set to arrive in August of this year. We couldn't be more excited if we tried!! Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think, is that really a pregnant belly on me?? I'm telling you after four long years of trying for her and finally being successful in our infertility journey it seems surreal to see a baby in my stomach.

Long story short (will do another blog post soon when things settle down a little) after our first IVF failed, we decided to take a short one month break and regroup. We had to save a little more money for our frozen cycle, our embryos were cryo-preserved and in storage in Texas. Not to mention it was emotionally draining to have what we pinned essentially years of hope on our first IVF working. I mean we were given a 60% chance! With our odds of conceiving on our own at a measly 1-2% you have to admit we were pretty excited at those odds. It was one of the most devastating days in our lives to find out it failed.

December 2nd was the day of our scheduled frozen embryo transfer. All of our babysicles ;) are day five embryos, which makes them two weeks old in fertility speak. So, that morning, after having them all shipped in their cozy igloo homes from Texas to Arkansas, we put two precious miracles in my uterus. I have to admit, initially I had a pretty negative outlook on things (we only had a 20% chance of success with a frozen transfer) but Nick always remained positive. The fear from all of the negative pregnancy tests and negative outcomes of all of our fertility endeavors thus far had me on a non hopeful path.

But two days later I decided to quit acting like a mope and just plain distracted myself. I had three friends that had babies in the past three months so I took to my sewing machine. Learned how to thread a needle (thanks YouTube) and went to work on some pretty stinkin' cute baby blankets. This took many hours but it was something I found I really enjoyed doing. I even made some pretty nifty bibs for the babies as well.

I stayed away from the IVF message boards because I discovered from last time that they were the root of evil. Although as good as I had been with my distraction techniques thus far, on day five, my resolve began to fade and I started to peek at the earliest you could test positive on a home pregnancy test after a frozen embryo transfer. Nearly 70% of the patients tested positive on day six... Which would be tomorrow morning, which was a Saturday.

After I told Nick that I broke down and got on the message boards he was totally against me testing early. I did test early on the failed cycle and a few days continuing after that and it was always negative. He was only trying to protect my feelings I know.

I had breakfast, watched two episodes of Say Yes To The Dress and couldn't take it any more. I asked Nick to go pick up a test and he reluctantly did so. I made him go buy a cheap dollar store brand of pregnancy test. It was a two pack. I rationalized that I wasn't going to spend the big bucks on a fancy brand because I was a cheater and it was going to be negative anyways and at least in your shame you will only have been out two dollars.

I waited until I had to go really bad, which was around one o'clock in the afternoon. Took the box into the bathroom while Nick was outside working on his motorcycle not wanting to be involved. (I don't blame him, I mean he does have a crazy wife...)

I used the first test and picked up my recent copy of Glamour. Read for about five minutes and convinced myself before I looked over that it was going to be negative. When I saw the opposite result, a positive sign, albeit a faint one, I just stared slack jawed. Apparently I had some pee in reserve so I quickly used the next test and held it up in front of me. Not even a minute later another positive sign appeared.

Having years to imagine how I would react to learning I was pregnant I liked to think I knew exactly what I was going to do...Scream, cry, have some sort of little gift tucked away to excitedly bring to Nick to tell him that we were finally going to be parents....all KINDS of ideas.

Nope, I just sat there with my mouth gaping open and stared to shake a little. I heard Nick walk in from outside to wash his hands at the kitchen sink and I calmly walked into the kitchen to him. I just put both tests on the counter and said, "I think I'm pregnant."

He just gave me a look that was like, uh, are you sure? Even after looking at the tests he was skeptical. Which is totally understandable. (although admittedly I was annoyed that there was no excitement from him, even the tiniest bit in the moment) He was thinking that some of the meds I was on could cause a false positive. This is was a real fact in the fresh IVF cycle because I was on HCG before they extracted my eggs, so testing early could result in a false positive due to the drug still being in my system. For the frozen cycle however, I was only on estrogen and progesterone. I immediately went to the computer and started searching for false positive/drug correlations with frozen cycles and found none. Then I called my fertility doctor and left him a message. He called us back a few hours later to say that we were pregnant and there were no false positives with a frozen cycle. Nick was still not very excited, although this may have gotten me a small smile. He wanted to wait for our blood results on that Monday.

We have had friends who have had initial success but it didn't last so Nick had them on his mind to stave off his excitement and hope. I, on the other hand, even though still in shock, new I was pregnant. I was still nervous about the blood test results and having high enough numbers to sustain a pregnancy but I was still over the moon.

Monday presented itself with very high numbers and Nick and I cried together in the kitchen when he got home from sheer joy. (I may have teased him a little bit before I gave him the good news which I do regret but it was from him making me wait to share his joy!! Evil of me, I see this in hindsight!)


Baby is great and progressing nicely!


Many more updates to come on whats been going on but a friend of mine wanted to share our journey and so I thought I had better post what has happened in the last six months! I promise to update at least once a month just so that she will have something to look back at in years to come. That is, unless she gets bored with all of the scrap books her mother will fill of memories and moments of her! (Huge scrapper, its an addiction!)

More updates to come, (I promise!)

Love,
The Ellwoods (party of three!)

Update!

So here is the update for all of you that read my blog.

After our fresh cycle didn't work out for us we had to re-evaluate what our next step would be. I see myself as a planner and always like to plan ahead no matter what the process is we are going through. Nick however, within our IVF process stuff sees that as being negative. He would rather assume that is is going to work out and just plan for it to work and address what we will do if it doesn't at the time. For the first fresh cycle this was much easier to do. Afterall we had not had an IVF cycle before and I thought this is really it, this is what will finally bring us our baby.
So when we got the news that it did not work and we were not pregnant it was devastating.

 We decided to take a month off and try again with a frozen embryo cycle or FET this month. We had two blastocysts, or day five embryos, transferred on this past Friday morning. We can test in nine days which is a huge blessing since we had to wait much longer it seems like last time. I think this is because our embryos are two days older. I already know what we will do for a plan b, Or plan c rather since this will be our second attempt. Doc has suggested that patients with endometriosis sometimes to better with embryo transfers after three months of supression therapy, which is three months on birth control or steroids to prevent any new scarring my the disease. So that would make one more transfer in Arkansas before we move to Florida in June.

The only anxiety I am having is fear of the test. I know that quitters never win and winners never quit and we are actively trying for our child and doing everything in our power that will get us there. I am scared to hope I guess. I know hope is there because I do get excited, but I was excited last time too. To the point of looking at nursery decor and cribs from Pottery Barn. I know there is no harm in getting that excited again and checking out out swings and bedding. Perhaps there is no way around the fear and anxiety in the test. I just pray and pray for God to calm my nerves and ease my tension about the test, now in only seven days.....

I know there is a plan for us and that God will place a child in our arms through his work. Just need to keep repeating that mantra over and over until test day.

Therefor I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. - Mark 11:24

Moving Forward

A few days ago my world crashed down around me. Our IVF cycle had failed.

While I found myself to be unusually calm during the dreaded two week wait I found it surprising when I woke with a feeling of dread the morning that I could test.

When we were at the drug class in Texas they did tell us that we should not be taking any urine pregnancy tests before the blood test because the results would be inaccurate due to the hormones we were on. Well to me, thats like telling a bird not to fly.....

So, with research from tons of completely reliable websites...scoff....I managed to sneak a urine test a full five days before my blood test was due. Of course it was negative. After having one full day of crazy, I read online that blood tests will always show the correct results 8-10 days sooner before the urine tests so I stopped the freaking out and resumed the calm and peaceful talks to the embryos inside me.

Each morning I told them how much we loved them, prayed for them every day, couldn't wait to meet them, if they would just hang on for the next nine months I promised them everything under the sun. After three hours and no call from either the base hospital or the doctors in Texas I thought something was wrong. It turns out that I was the only one they hadn't heard from that day and after mass confusion to include doctors not being able to get in contact with the lab, busy phone lines and computers being down I was told I could go get the results myself. With a very shaky and sweaty hand I filled out the medical release paper work that would allow me to release my bloodwork...to.....myself....explain that round about to me....

The results were what I feared they might be. Negative. After crying the the base parking lot with my husband we went home to grieve and try to move forward.

We have nine embryos from the transfer and from what I've read and been told by the doctors that is a very good number. My doctor also told me he was quite shocked that the IVF didn't work as we were ideal candidates and did everything correctly and the embryos that we put in were perfect. He said we couldn't have had more perfect embryos. I asked if my endometriosis could have played a factor in the failure of the cycle and he said it was possible but we had no way to know for sure.

I felt horrible at this news for a few days and very much blamed myself. I know it was not my fault that I had endometriosis but it could have been my fault because I had the disease that the IVF did not work. I felt as though my uterus was just a bad environment. After being consoled by my wonderful husband many times I began to feel better but not completely hopeful.

Something uplifting that the doctor did tell us, is that people with endometriosis usually do better with a frozen cycle (meaning just the embryos transfer without the egg producing drugs) because your ovaries and uterus are not bombarded with all of the drugs needed to actually produce the embryos. The theory is that a fresh IVF cycle is a very harsh environment for your reproductive area and that with a frozen one you are not even on any meds until the day of the transfer. So, with that news we will be taking a short break and resuming our trying with a frozen embryo transfer in November.

Each day that passes I feel more hopeful for another cycle. I am trying to find Gods reasoning in our first IVF cycle failing. I am praying that is is because one of our children is lying in wait in one of those nine precious embryos. I do realize that God has a plan for us, and that I will be a mother some day. It is just harder to grip so close to the grief of losing the first two embryos.

Six months ago we also had an offer of a surrogate. This, I believe was an offer straight from God. Because if none of the frozen cycles worked we would move towards adoption. Which is not to say that adoption would be our last option in any ways, simply due to monetary issues, we would not have been able to afford a surrogate through an agency.

Adoption is in our family plan and always has been, my heart has been set to adopt from somewhere overseas since I was a child. Nick and I are both on board with this, however we realize how expensive it is and will need to save for years for this dream to become a reality. We plan on having a separate savings account just for this reason.

Although my heart is leaning towards having our gestational carrier carry the embryos first and not doing a frozen cycle, many people close to me, including the most important person, my husband, believe that I should try at least one frozen cycle on my own first. There are many reasons for me leaning the way I am at the moment and the most obvious is that our surrogate doesn't have any kind of reproductive issues with her uterus like I do. In other words, healthy environment for baby. Also I can't imagine the feeling of overwhelming love that will come to this child knowing that not only their mom and dad loved them so much but they will forever have a special connection to their surrogate. It just really seems as if my heart is in the right place with this movement.

I know that being able to carry my own child would be the most ideal situation but I am already ready if that is not the case. I can only see the end result of holding our baby in our arms. I don't care one way or the other how they got there.

We have been blessed in finding out that we will not have to pay for one cycle and this does relieve quite a bit of stress from us for the next step. In the spirit of being hopeful and being positive I am looking forward to moving forward with this. Documents are signed and the embryos should be on their way to Arkansas within a week or so. I also have confidence that this will be a more relaxing cycle because we are able to be in our own home the entire time. Not in another state, worrying about dinners and every other expense that comes along with traveling. I have an appointment next week for a physical and to talk to my doctor about the transfer process and get some questions answered.

Praying to be content in our situation, for hope in the next venture and for peace in not knowing what Gods plan is for us but that he will bless us with our baby in our arms very, very soon.


Taylor

Before the chicken came the.....

As I am still in some pain from the egg retrieval I won't be posting a video any time soon because I look like a cave woman from a distant planet....

SO, the news with the eggs is thus: Retrieval day went well although as often as I prayed for calm and peace and sanity, I did lose it for a minute when I saw one of the nurses pull out a needle (actually a probe with a needle on the end of it) that was the length of my elbow to the tip of my middle finger. No exaggeration needed. Then came the freak out and I'm sorry but the whole lack of modesty thing is a little hard to keep in check when you are available for ALL to see, and non medicated. I mean I realize that they do this thing every day (I kept hearing that I was the 2,001 patient) but it is still hard to keep your fears in perspective after seeing the big A needle and not even having the goofy juice on board.

Thankfully one of the nurses that was in there with me was the same one that I had been dealing with on the phone for over a year so and she was very kind and soothing, made even more so by the fact that when she noticed how upset I was, she started to administer the drugs....yeeaaaahhhhhhh......zzzzzzzz.....

So I wasn't totally knocked out for the procedure and I do remember being quite uncomfortable at times during the extraction but for the most part it didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to. Have been in some pain yesterday and all day today, but the pain meds definitely help. They also cause me to sleep for 12 hours a time so I'm trying to hold off until bedtime! I felt bad having Nick sit here in the room with me while I suffered/slept, so I tried to get him to take us to a movie today, which he replied that he is content to sit and watch movies while I rest, since I apparently look like an injured zombie walking around the room. Rest today it is!

The EXCELLENT news that we got this morning is that out of the 20 eggs retrieved, yes 20...(apparently a great number) we were told that about half would fertilize. A call from our doctor this morning revealed that we had 16 that turned into embryos!!!!!! CRAZY! I am so excited, I mean we have had nothing but sign, after sign, after positive sign on this trip that things are going to work out in our favor and this number has really just made it seem like I was not losing my mind. That number may decrease by the time they are transferred, which is Sunday morning, but since we are only putting in two, that is a great number to work with!

Waiting the appropriate amount of days to test will be excruciating, hopefully can find a new hobby, or take up one that I have been neglecting to help the time pass quickly. My next door neighbor here had her transfer yesterday morning and they gave her the first ultrasound picture!! I can't begin to tell you how elated that makes me. Having something like that to carry around with me until test day will be a living testimony of hope to hold on to.

One happy, (albeit sore), lucky and blessed girl.

Video Update

All you need to know. :)

http://www.youtube.com/user/LoadMastersWifey?feature=mhee

Stress free, love and happiness.

TE

*Insert clever blog post title here...

Second day on the meds and no side effects to speak of! Well except the fact that I wake up from naps, Yes naps, two days in a row I have felt the extreme desire for sleep in the middle of the day, all sweaty and hot. Although, this may be because I started a cycle on Friday morning.

Shot date! 

With fellow IVF patient Conny in the kitchen (where the meds are kept in a separate fridge). We have two shots a day at the moment and this is our 9:30 p.m. excursion.

****   Blood related talk below, if its too gross for you feel free to skip :)  ****

Yes. My period, which, by the way, FREAKED me out so much because noone mentioned to me that I would get another one!!! I was under the impression that after I started on the birth control that I would start the hormone shots shortly afterwards and would have the embryo transfer before I could get another period and with the Grace of God would not have another one for nine months! After getting up a few times in the night to use the bathroom (a common thing for me) Nick gets up before me and heads to the bathroom himself in the morning. He comes back in the bedroom and asks if all the blood was from my nose.... My eyes flew open. Blood? What?

Sure enough it was quite a bit. Just a heavier than normal one. But a period none the less. I was so scared thinking that I was not supposed to get my period and we were also supposed to start our hormones this very morning! While the brain hamster was frantically running laps it also surmised that I may be sent home only to have to come down next month to try and do another cycle again because my body had somehow flipped out and started my period a whole three weeks early! Nick called the on call doctor who was unaware of what to do with an IVF patient (even though we were told to call this specific number and identify ourselves as an IVF patient) after talking to two nurses and a second doctor, our IVF doctor finally called us back and said that it was expected that I get my period and that they wanted to be able to control every aspect of it down to a T. Well perhaps you should inform your patients that a period is to be expected...so that they don't have a nervous breakdown when it does occur!! Another call to check and see if I could take my narcotics for my endometriosis and we were right back on schedule.

Spent a day at the riverwalk with our next door neighbor Conny, a fellow IVF patient and the only other out-of-towner in this cycle. (Which is kind of disappointing because I was hoping to meet all the other couples but they are all at their respective houses in San Antonio and the drug class only included Conny and I because we are actually synced up together) I guess there is a chance I could meet some other girls in the cycle before we leave which would be nice to have something so special to bond over. Connie is really sweet, army wife, originally from Germany but stationed in Oklahoma. Her husband can't get the time off that Nick was given so he can't come down until a week from now so we invite her along with us on some excursions.We enjoyed delicious mexican food and fed the ducks, one of whom took a liking to Nick and actually took a little nap right under his leg, so cute. Discovered Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company and grabbed a Tiger Butter Caramel Apple to take home and devour later.

At the Riverwalk with Nick. 

Same photo was taken in this exact location six years ago after Nicks graduation from Basic Training! 

Tomorrow its off to find a prime goofy golf location and search for the outlet malls. Dinner is baked ziti with Italian tofu sausage! (doing very well with the vegetarian switch so far! It was easy to quit with the red meat and pork but having to weed out the chicken a little slower. Still consuming plenty of seafood, which I do not plan on stopping for many reasons.)

Goodnight all!

Drug class 101

We are here! Sign outside of our clinic at Brooke Army Medical Center

Ok so I am starting to do more videos as a nice little souvenir to have WHEN the baby comes. This is the only language I will be using during the process, positive! And I have loved seeing others IVF video blogs online and have loved the support and information they have given me. Hopefully others will be able to gain something from my videos as well.

All of the needles for the course of my cycle! Yikes!! (although I tell myself if I can deal with Endometriosis I can certainly deal with some shots!)

We start our meds on Saturday, Nick has to take an antibiotic until the embryo transfer but I am the lucky one with all the needles. lol. I am used to giving myself subcutaneous injections since that is what we have done for the past two years at Dr. Millers office with Gonal F. Those aren't a big deal. Its the intramuscular injections that are just a tiny bit scary to me. Although I was told that getting my Depo shots over the years were also intramuscular and they didn't bother me too bad so if I can just remember those then I will be ok.

Video blog link: http://www.youtube.com/user/LoadMastersWifey?feature=mhee

The fisher house video has poor lighting and the drug class part one video has poor sound but I promise the next one will be perfect on both ends! Just started video blogging so I am still learning! We start our drugs tomorrow morning! Bring on the hormones and side effects! ha ha!

Till next time...

Zoological....

We spent the first three nights and two full days in Dallas and had a nice time. Especially since the weather was a gorgeous and breezy 80 degrees at its highest! We spent the first day at the Dallas Zoo, which was HUGE. The sign out front boasts the largest in the southwest. Dallas was extremely windy, which wasn't that bad for the most part, hair stuck to lip gloss however, didn't agree. :)

The Zoo was also a fantastic deal for the size and amount of education they offered to the public. With Nicks military ID we both got in for only twenty dollars total. All of the habitats were very clean, rather large and all of the animals looked happy and well cared for. Below are some videos of the Baboons (Nick with the funny commentary) and a six week old baby giraffe we got to spend some time with. She was so cute and ran around her little area much to the delight of everyone there.

A mother with her two daughters and one son, these otters were SO adorable

First blood draw and labs tomorrow morning at 6:30 am...although tonight at dinner I was telling Nick that I don't remember if it is at Wilford Hall Medical Center or BAMSEE, which is the Army Base that the procedure is being done at which is about twenty minutes down the road.....Oops. I literally wrote everything else down so I can't believe I forgot to write that detail down. Am just going to show up at Wilford Hall at six am and hopefully I will be able to talk to someone there and it will be early enough to head to the other location if it is there.... 

Then we have our first drug class at 1:30 to go over all the meds I'll be loading up on! Fun, Fun! :) 

Ok so its a pain to upload the videos to the blog so I'm going to upload them to my youtube account. Warning: my youtube account is mostly used for making mushy I-love-you videos to Nick while he is deployed. Feel free to avoid the side panel. ;) And since the upload is telling me its now going to take 60 minutes, must be slow speeds here... it will probably be tomorrow before its uploaded!

Till then!

Baby-cation!

Today was my last day at work for three weeks! I have to say that just the idea of being able to get away with the handsome husband by ourselves for the first time since the honeymoon is a glorious thought in itself! Wonderful in-laws has set us up for an early start to our "baby-cation" with three nights in Dallas!

We get to start the trip with a visit to the uh-maze-ing IKEA!, the zoo in Dallas claims to be one of the biggest in the South East so we may check that out, Perhaps the Aquarium since that looks neat and rather large, I'd like to check out the Holocaust museum, Nick found a cool museum called the Sixth Floor Museum which I believe is the history surrounding where J.F.K. was shot. I have been told that there was great food and fabulous shopping so all in all a great start!

Also I learned yesterday that our room was confirmed at the Fisher House so that is one less worry to check off the list.

A few co-workers gave me some trinkets and a good luck brownie today as going away/good luck gifts! I am telling you it doesn't matter what the gift is just the idea that they thought of you, prayed for you and are wishing you the best of luck just made me smile.

The little angel is a "miracle angel" from one of my bosses at work and the card is from her as well. Inside it reads, "Believe and know that God WILL give you the desires of your heart. Go and get your miracle!" She said that she prayed over it and that it is very special. Isn't that so sweet! I nearly cried while hugging her. The two rocks are from a co-worker who says the brown one (I forget what it is called, sad I know I should have researched this before this blog post but after being up since five am please forgive the lack of information!) is for fertility and the pink one (she said picked for my favorite color as well as the benefits) is for good luck and I believe health? Anyways I plan on having every talisman on me possible probably the entire trip but mainly during the embryo transfer! Also am taking a fertility necklace my mother had blessed in the Philippines  for fertility which she attributes to me. :)  Lets face it, any extra bit of luck goes along fantastic with every bit of faith.

Am starting a list tomorrow of things to take along and am going to search around for easy recipes for dinner while we are at The Fisher House. Not a lot of pots and pans to wash, easy storage and what not. We are taking along the video camera and assuming I can figure out some editing skills on the fly, am planning some video updates along the road as well. Nick has generously agreed to add to the humorous commentary. Not sure how quick-witted/funny/informative they will be but it will be a amazing compilation of memories for the new bebe' to have one day when he/she leaves the nest.

Only nine pm on a Friday and I am exhausted already!! Last hair appointment until we can take "The Test" which would be another six weeks or so from now, is tomorrow. Lots of errand running, animal dropping off at friends houses and packing, packing, oooohhhh the packing.

Excitement abound!

<3

Partnering up

So we found out a few days ago that the civilian partnership that the Air Base as teamed up with is The Fertility Center of San Antonio! I think this is great news, they have long established roots within the community and its exciting that they even do a active duty discount!

http://www.fertilitysa.com/advantages.htm  Their website. :)

I spoke with Lt. Y. again today and she was very kind and told me to call her with any other questions I may have during the next few weeks. She emailed me the application to the Fisher House and we should know whether or not we can stay there within a two weeks. Fingers Crossed!

I had such a hard time growing up with birth control pills due to my apparent low tolerance of estrogen. I would have to be taken out of school due to the horrible nausea and vomiting. When they started me on them last month (before the cycle was postponed) I didn't mention the low tolerance to them because, honestly, I hadn't taken birth control pills since I was 14? After getting my first period and seeing how much pain followed the next few cycles I was put on birth control pills to regulate the pain. After trying about ten different brands and low dose estrogen pills I was finally lead to the Depo Shot. This has practically no estrogen in it (Actually I say that with little knowledge of what is actually in the shot, all I know is that it caused me to have no nausea at all and no period so this was a miracle shot for me) and so it caused no pain or side effects. Since Depo worked so well for me I wound up staying on it for the next eight years or so. After a visit to my regular doctor suggested that I get a bone scan at 22 because he was afraid that because I was on it for so long that the major adverse side effect of the shot, bone loss was occurring. Turns out that being on Depo Provera for that long had caused an actual 18% bone loss in my lower back and I had to take calcium/vitamin D pills for a year after that.

This was all right before I met Nick, funnily enough that I had to stop the Depo and find another form of birth control that would work without making me hug the toilet bowl all day and night. First I tried the arm patch. Gross and sticky and had the same effect on the stomach as the pills did.

Funny story, I was just trying out the arm patch birth control right before I met Nick and the same day I put the first patch on was the same day that we had a homework/dinner date. I was having a hard time with some sort of math class, (what math class you may ask? I don't know because all math is the devil so I blocked it out) and Nick was helping (or doing) my homework for me, then we would cook dinner and watch a movie. After homework was done and dinner was started, somehow the patch began to work its magic. Or anti-magic as it would be. I backed out of the kitchen as the smells and the medicine in the patch did a horrible dance in my stomach. Spent the next 45 minutes in the gross downstairs boys bathroom. Gross, because lets face it, two guys living together, the bathroom is bound to be a little gross. Nick says he blames it on his former roommate. I was miserable yet could not make it out of the bathroom to tell Nick what was going on. Completely mortified I managed to crawl out afterwards to dinner on the little table by the downstairs television and Nick waiting to see if I was ok and offer a foot rub. A foot rub after we had only been dating less than a week. There was my sign right?!

 I ask him from across the room tonight if he remembers that night and he says with a genuine smile "Oh yes I was thinking I hope I get to spend every night of my life like this, with a pretty sick girl in my bathroom." HA! Be careful what you wish for!

I realize this isn't much of an update but its helping to get me a little more excited about the whole process. Tomorrow morning I go bright and early for cycle day three labs at my regular fertility doctor, Dr. M. at Arkansas Fertility in West Little Rock. I have to be there at 7:30! Yikes. And the day after that I will start on my birth control, which actually turns out to be the last form of birth control that I was on before we started trying to get pregnant, the Nuva Ring. Which is what I will be on until we head down to Texas.

Job status is shaky and we may now not get Nicks staff pay on the first like we are supposed to, which really sucks because it would have been nice to have as a cushion while we are down there for three weeks. Finance has told us that it could be delayed and since we only get paid once a month (something that we changed it to and truly works much better for us) that means we wont get it until October. Even though we have had these two tiny shake ups in the past week I am on the path of positive thinking and am DETERMINED that my body will be a palace of peace until after the transfer. Things will work out, the Fisher House will come through, the IVF will work the FIRST time and we will have a happy baby in about 10 months!

What I am listening to at the current moment:
http://www.playlist.com/searchbeta/tracks#awake%20josh%20groban/all/1


Going to shut the door on any negative thoughts or nay-sayers until then as it can only do us harm. Don't know how exactly I am going to do this other than walking the dogs, massages from the DH (fertility speak for Darling Husband) and many glasses of wine! And prayer, because I know He hears  everything as ask for.

Sweet Dreams!

All good things come to those who wait

And the good Lord knows that we have been waiting for a good while!!!!

 At lunch today I went to check my phone as I periodically do with everything that has been going on with our fertility, for a few weeks there was a message every other day or so with an update. When I had a missed call and voice mail with the San Antonio area code my heart sank.

I must say that for all my preaching on trying to have a positive outlook (not something I am good at in the tiniest bit) things it is very easy to slip into the old ways. Instinctively I went into my turtle shell and tried to talk myself off the ledge if if was a call postponing the cycle again. Before I pressed the play voice mail button I sat down in the chair that overlooks the floor to ceiling windows downstairs in my office. It was a gorgeous sunny day outside and the wind was choosing which leaves to ruffle. I asked God out loud to give me peace with where he was leading us and knowledge that whatever this voice mail said, there was a reason behind it, the biggest reason being that He knew where this path was going to take us. Closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths I pressed play.

All the Doctor said was to call her regarding our August Cycle. With yet another prayer said, (too many can never hurt right?) I pressed re-dial. My stomach was doing its best impression of the stuntman in the death ring of fire when Lt. Y. answered.

Imagine my surprise when she told me that she was calling to tell me that everything, EVERYTHING has been approved and that there would be NO MORE cancellations or postponements. NONE. In other words, we are now 100% on task to head down to Texas September 5th!

From the day I got the call in early April telling us that our IVF cycle was indefinitely postponed I felt like a hollowed out egg.

When we were in high school we had to take an egg and poke two holes in it. One at the top and one at the bottom. Then you had to blow all the yolk out. (Gross) Then you could paint a face on it, write your name on it, anything to personalize it. The teacher then put his thumb print on it so he would know if it was the original egg from the start of the project. This experiment was for life management skills class and you were "married" to another student from class and the egg was to symbolize your "baby." The more cracks you had in your egg when you turned it in, the lower the grade. Demolish the egg all together and you fail the project.

(Our "baby" was named Christopher and was taken to soccer practice by "husband" Josh in a sunglasses case. Miraculously he came through without a single crack.....)

April felt like the first crack, then in May when I got the call that the cycle was back on, a little bandaid was applied to the tiny damage. Only for it to be reopened again in June when it was postponed again with no further information. Applied some super glue to the wound when it not only was back on again in July but also was started on my medicines to actually start the ball rolling for the IVF the following month. The largest crack in the egg was when they cancelled again after I had been on the medicine for only two days. Crying, to include snotting all over yourself, at your brand new job in the employee lounge definitely qualifies as a rather large crack in the egg.

But today, was the first day, since the beginning of April that I felt like we have a new beginning and one that is on solid ground. There are many more mountains to climb and rivers to cross (pardon the cheesy metaphors) on this cycle but having the first challenge down certainly makes me feel at peace with proceeding to the next prayer set!

Next up is praying, for those of you who keep us in your prayers, this is big one too, praying that we get a room at the Fisher House. They are on a first come, first serve basis and are there for people who are traveling from out of the state for treatment at the base there. We were told a while ago that one was pretty much solidified because of the fact that they had cut the patient load by about 70 percent but was informed by a Fisher House representative soon afterwards that rooms were only available if they were not occupied.  For those who do not know what The Fisher house is, it is a series of big houses (four, maybe five total) on base that each have if I can remember right, about 8 rooms each. Each room is set up like a hotel room with your own bathroom, shower, television, dvd player, etc. They have a common living room, dining room and kitchen. In the kitchen each room has an assigned pantry shelf, and space in the fridge. They also have a washer and dryer for laundry! If you are assigned a room there your stay is until you are finished with your treatment, they do not ever make anyone leave. There is no charge at all for staying there, which is amazing, but for both reasons it limits the number of rooms they have for people being able to stay with them. They have many organizations that come and volunteer there which is something that Nick and I look forward to being able to do while there since we loved the therapy dogs so much last time.


http://www.fisherhouse.org/


Many, many different hurtles ahead but today I am thankful that we are definitely headed to Texas in three short weeks. I know there will be different things to pray for in the upcoming months and will write them all down eventually for my sanity and prayer list and for those who are curious as to how IVF works and the steps involved. (Don't worry it will be kept PG, I can appreciate not everyone has the desire to go into the medical field as I did. :) )


Oh! And I started today, I swear to you, I have NEVER been so happy to get a period in my entire life. 43 day cycle how insane was that?! Bring on the meds in just a few days and lets get this baby train on the track!

Waiting & "Dear Baby"

As I post this I am almost 35 days into my cycle and can only remember being this late about four years ago right before Nicks first deployment. At that point I was really stressed out about that and it wound up pushing it out a grand two weeks. We definitely thought we were pregnant. A blood test confirmed it was just stress and two days later we got our sign.

So, needless to say that even though we are (fingers crossed) headed to Texas in early September I am anxiety ridden just a tiny bit about how long this cycle is going. Not to mention the fact that I also have had no warning signs of the approaching cycle. (Although Nick would say that my freak out on Friday over not being able to style my extensions *insert a hysterical crying mess who throws hair products around the spare bathroom here* would be a hormonal temper tantrum. Yeah, I'm not proud but it happens! Although I will say incidents like that only happen really close to my period, which would be a huge clue that its less than 24 hours away. Well that was on Friday. Today is Monday night.

I just wish God would let us know one way or the other what he planning for us this month! Sweet Nick thinks I'm silly for testing every single morning (and the other testing like, say, when I get a particularly strong urge or lack of patience at four pm) because he, If I am honest with myself, along with me doesn't believe we can conceive on our own. We have somewhat closed the door on that subject. I am not happy that we have to deal with infertility but it has brought us so much closer as a couple for so many reasons and brought me personally SO much closer to God that I have to say that there is some good that comes out of trying for our precious baby for almost four years. At times, since I passed my 28 day, 29 day and 30 day cycle mark I wonder if He is just testing our patience, then I think, No, that can't be it, He knows how long we have been trying and knows our patience levels. Then, of course, as they always do I think of the biblical couples who waited much MUCH longer and the current line of thinking goes away.

I do realize that the constant thinking about how late I am is probably only pushing the cycle even further into oblivion, obviously not helpful. Thus I am trying to find things to occupy my thoughts such as blogging, learning new chords for the guitar. Side note, for all you GLEEKS, (yes I just used the cheese term) out there.... Did you know how Chord Overstreet (Sam on Glee) got his name? Both of his parents are musicians and he was the third child born into the family, thus the name Chord. So cool. I love hearing stories like that and it gives me further inspiration into my future kids names.

And now, something that I have been thinking about lately and would just like to write down. To get out of my soul, to have for the yet to come Ellwood baby and for some much needed peace in the storm.

Dear Baby Ellwood, 

I am writing this letter to tell you how much you are wanted. I know, my sweet, darling child, that whether you come to us as a miracle though your birth or the joy of pure unselfishness of your birth mother that you have always been wanted and prayed for every single day, for at least four years. Or even six years since the time I first met your father. Having an excellent role model and loving children growing up I always had the desire in my heart to be a mother some day but I never knew how much until I met Nick. 

This man can make me laugh until my stomach hurts, he can cook delicious meals and clean the entire kitchen afterwards. (a real bonus from what I hear from other wives.) He will pull over in the rain to save a dog off the highway, stay later after work to help someone home, invite those who can not go home for the holidays to our house for a home cooked meal, and tells me I am beautiful with bed-head, dragon-breath, a new zit and holey pajamas on. Most importantly he makes me feel as though I am the only girl in the world and will always be the hottest thing since sliced bread. Your Dad is amazing with kids, mainly because he is a big one himself! Since your mother over-analyzes just about everything and has enough anxiety for the both of us he is a complete balance to our lives together.  

 Our journey to you was a rough one but one that brought us closer as partners and friends. I do not know what it is like to have your first baby as we have not had the joy of experiencing that yet. I can only imagine that the parents holding their first child feel very happy and blessed to have them. What I can tell you is how much that same emotion will be ten fold when you arrive in our arms.

 Using a Josh Turner song lyric, "The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss." The absolute burning desire to hear your heartbeat for the first time, to feel you kick my belly with nervous excitement, to have your Dad place a kiss on my large, round belly, to feel your soft, luxuriously smooth skin against my hand and that delicious baby smell is only magnified by the years of struggle just to hold you in our arms. 

Those who experience any kind of infertility, no matter how long their journey, have an unyielding thirst for their child. I am sure this applies to most things in life that do not come easy. No one desire to struggle with their school, career, beating a disease, or building a family, but oh the sheer bliss and joy that comes with overcoming your set backs, no matter what they may be. 

This is what we promise you:  to laugh and play with you until one of us runs out of breath, to teach you manner, morals and to treat people the way you want to be treated, to be generous and to share your snack pack at school with the kid who's mom gave him carrots instead of chocolate pudding. To let you run around barefoot in a huge field so you can feel the fresh summer grass under your toes, to be kind to animals because they do not have a voice of their own and are considered furry family members, to discipline you when you have stepped out of bounds because you will thank us for it when you are not stripping or face down in the gutter some where at seventeen. (This reference was used quite a bit for your mother growing up and I have done neither, so be sure to thank your Moms mother for that.) We promise to have a stash of money hidden away so when you hear the tinkling bells and shriek "ICE CREAM MAN!" you will have a few dollars at a moments notice. And just because our parents did it to us with Brick House by the Commodores, we promise to embarrass you with our loud music as we drop you off at school playing what can only be described as mom-music but really is some phat beats from some white guy who thinks he can rap. Most of all we promise to unconditionally love you to almost smother-like tendencies to include, licking a napkin in public to wipe food off your face, asking for a kiss goodbye in front of your new friends, and sticking little notes of encouragement in your Batman lunch box.

As for the unyielding thirst, I can tell you the love that will be showered upon your arrival into our tiny family will be the most refreshing drink of water we will have ever experienced. 

       
          See you hopefully soon,
          Your excited parents-to-be